Extra session Friday. T got me 5 minutes late again. He apologized and said he keeps doing this to me. I said was OK but was starting to get nervous. Sat down. I said how I was having my usual doubts about an extra session. But it was like I felt that I was on the precipice of something--not like a cliff, but more a breakthrough. Like I just needed to keep pushing through with talking about the insights I'd had the day before.

I started in with how I seem to have trouble dealing with the good feelings I get from sessions. How do I get better at processing and accepting those? That it had been an issue with ex-MC, too, where I'd leave a session where he was very validating, then just cry the whole way home in the car. At the time I'd thought maybe it was about transference, but now I wonder if it was more that I'm not used to those feelings from people, so I don't know what to do with them. And maybe there's also an element of, I had those feelings in the office, but now I'm back out in the world. How do I hold onto them?

T said that with relationships, it seems I tend to be focusing on on the future or past rather than the present. That I'm worried about whether the relationship will last or thinking of times in the past when they didn't last. I agreed with that. T: "I wanted to discuss this part in the beginning so it wasn't what you were leaving on." Me: "Uh OK." T: "The thing is, all relationships eventually end. Even with marriage, it's right in the vows, 'till death do us part.' Unless you just happen to die at the same time." (I managed to resist the urge to quote the Smiths' "There Is a Light that Never Goes Out" there.) Me: "Yeah." T: "Your parents will eventually die. Friendships don't last forever. But when they end, you'll get through that."

I gave example of thinking before that I wouldn't get through losing ex-MC. T: "That's a perfect example." Me: "Before the rupture, I used to start crying just at the thought of eventually separating from him, even by choice. I couldn't bear the thought of it. But then I did get through it, even though it hurt." T: "Yes you did. I do feel like you have trouble working through the grieving process. Because ideally, you would get to a point where you could hold onto more of the good memories of someone. Where you seem to have trouble doing that." I brought up my grandmother (who passed 5 years ago). That she'd been so vibrant, yet the last couple years, she was bed-bound. And when she shows up in my dreams now, she's generally more in that state, rather than thinking of her as she was. T said how for most of my life, she wasn't stuck in a bed. So it would make sense for, say, 90% of my thoughts to be about that time, the positive memories, just 10% about the end.

I said I do think of her whenever the Golden Girls come up, because we used to watch it together. T smiled at that. I asked if he thought writing down some of the memories might help. T: "Maybe? I was going to suggest something with pictures, maybe scanning some old photos, making a Snapfish book. You could add a few stories in there." He said I could go over them with D, that she'd probably like that. I said maybe I'd try that.

T went back to the relationships ending. T: "Just because relationships will all end, it doesn't make them not worth having. A good example is dogs. People get dogs knowing that the dog will most likely die before them, that they'll have to deal with that loss. But it's still worth it to them, to have a dog in their life." I said I hadn't had a dog (well, for 2 days!) but guinea pigs. T: "That's an ever better example, because they have shorter life spans." Me: "Yeah."

T: "And I want you to realize that if something happens to me, you'll be OK. Or if you were to decide to leave, say, if I'm an asshole." Me: "Do you have plans for that? Do you have a day circled on the calendar when you're going to be an asshole?" T kinda laughed: "No." Me: "Though I could see that happening with you..." T: "How's that hole you're digging?" Me: "I'm just going to slip back into the bushes now..." T: "But if that were to happen, I'd hope you could still hold onto and value the work we did together." Me: "yeah, that's something I'm still trying to work on with ex-MC."

Back to the relationship thing, he said how being in the moment with people could help me. I said that's something I had to work on, because, for example, I was meeting a new friend for the first time recently, and I spent much of the time worrying I'd mess up and they wouldn't want to hang out again. But they still did. T: "I get the sense that making friends comes easily to you." Me: "I guess?"

T: "I think something else you can do is accept that you have anxiety and that it has both positive and negative effects on you." Me: "There's a positive? I mean, I guess I might avoid dangerous situations..." T: "I think it makes you a good friend. Because you're perceptive and attentive. You want to make a good impression and have the other person like you. While many people don't think about those things." Me: "Hm, I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess being anxious also makes me a good copy editor." T: "Exactly, it helps you with work, too."

We talked about how mindfulness can help me, doing some meditation. I said how I want to go back to doing more yoga, but the thing with that is, I can feel very mindful and at peace in the class, but then when I leave, it's like that feeling goes away. The same with going for a walk outside, when I come back inside, the mindfulness is gone. T: "One way to do that is to try to recreate the setting of the yoga class, say, at home. Wear the same clothes, do similar things. Then you gradually take away different elements until you can just go back to that feeling on your own. Like if you're out with a friend, maybe you can just say, 'I need a minute,' then take a few seconds to breathe deeply (he demonstrated) and calm yourself." He said it's a technique they use with athletes, so that they can be in the middle of a game, and they find a few seconds where they can pause and calm themselves.

I realized we only had maybe 10 minutes left, and I started crying again. I sort of rambled, said I knew I wasn't making any sense and the sobbing likely wasn't helping. He said was OK. Me: "I feel like lately I've sort of had one foot out the door in here. I'm not sure if you sensed that, too." T: "I do have that sense." Me: "Like questioning things, seeing the consulting T, the backup T. And I wonder if in some ways that's me being afraid, like afraid to really face myself and change. The term I keep thinking of is 'I want to be all in.' I know that's a gambling term, but it's like I need that. I feel I should just sort of commit to doing this with you and really do it, instead of running."

T: "Maybe instead you should just accept that you're feeling ambivalent about things right now." Me: "Hm, OK." T: "For me, I have to conduct therapy with the assumption that a client is going to stay and proceed like that. If I keep thinking they'll leave, then maybe I wouldn't try as hard or something. So I just assume they'll keep coming back. But for you, it might help you to accept that you're unsure right now, and that's OK." Me: "OK. I guess 'acceptance' is kind of a theme today." T: "Yes."

I started sobbing again, saying, "I just want to get better." T gave me a caring look. Me: "It's like I'm tired of feeling this way. I feel like I'm ready to change. Instead of starting and then slipping back." T: "Change what?" Me: "Just...everything. Taking better care of myself, the drinking thing. Just doing the work to really get better, to be able to handle life better, to just deal with my issues." I said I was thinking of this song by the band Typhoon. Me: "One of the lyrics is, 'Oh what am I waiting for? A spell to be cast or for it to be broken.' And in a way I feel like that, what am I waiting for?" T: "OK. What kind of band is that, thrash metal?" Me (joking): "Yes." Me: "And another line is, 'When am I gonna feel better? I have been patient for a long time now.' I said it then switched to 'I've been a patient for a long time now,' mainly referring to the singer's Lyme disease as a kid. T: "That's a nice play on the phrase." Me: "Yeah. Part of me wanted to play the song for you, but I feel weird doing that right now."

T: "I'm sorry that you've had so much therapy and are still struggling so much." I thanked him. I said maybe it just wasn't the right therapist before? T: "Or maybe you just weren't ready then." Me: "Yeah. I feel like I'm ready now." T: "Good." I said I knew we had to stop. And that I probably was going to keep my Monday session. T: "Well, you know where to find me if you change your mind."

Threw my giant pile of tissues into the trash, then paid. T shook my hand, saying, "Have a good weekend, OK? Doctor's orders!" I said I'd do my best.