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Open Eyes
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Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
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Default Mar 04, 2019 at 11:02 AM
 
I know how it feels to be the victim of this challenge as I have experienced it myself. It's especially difficult when it's your own family member, for myself it was my older sister who wanted all the control over my parents and their money and even manipulated them to think I did something I never did. She did this behind my back and I just did not figure it out until my parents were not really in a position where I could actually sit with them and defend myself.

I had also been in a position where I was financially powerless to fight back too. It's very hard to articulate to other people what that feels like on so many levels. It got so bad for me that I would get severely triggered if I tried to see my parents and my sister was there and she most definitely took every step to isolate them so the only way I could see them was if she was there to watch me. Her control was obsessive and she needed to take steps to convince everyone she could that I was a threat, someone that presented danger of some kind.

When you are not this kind of person, when these manipulative tactics are nothing you even think of practicing, it can definitely create a sense of guilt and regret that you missed the red flags until you were faced with the curse of damnation resulting from their smear campaign.

It's VERY hard to articulate how experiencing this can lead to how "unsafe" a person can begin to feel. These comments that can be repeated "just ignore, don't allow, stand up for yourself, take the control back, don't allow this person to upset you this way" and there's probably even more you could add to that, instead of helping tend to make it feel worse in that often the target struggles with shame and guilt and low self esteem. It's hard to explain how experiencing this can severely affect one's trust in others but also trust in self too. PTSD can most definitely make that very challenging and lonely.

I did try to fight back and when someone is a controlling toxic person they tend to have tricks up their sleeve when they are challenged. My lawyer tried to help me to at least find a way where I could visit my parents and get to be alone with them without my sister having to hover and control. My sister insisted that the only time my parents could handle it was in the mornings and she had set it up so that she would get to know the days and times and she made it a point to make sure both my parents had caregivers present and she also made sure I had to call if I was not going to visit. This allowed her to know when so she could make it a point to "hover" around the facilities my parents were in. She also made it a point to make sure both facilities followed her rules, rules they did not have themselves but had to follow HER rules all the while acting out her Drama to get these individuals to believe that I was the BAD GUY in the picture.

Needless to say I did not get to be alone with my parents after all, and I did not get to prevent her from "hovering" around like a stalker. Even when my father was dying and I made the effort to visit him for the very last time, I did not get into the facility right away as it was locked and we had to stand outside and wait. Then I found my father who was not alone as she always made sure a caregiver was there. I was with him saying my goodbye's and as soon as the hour allowed was up, within minutes my sister insisted in walking right into the room invading my very last visit with my father. It's like trying to get some small sense of privacy only to have that invaded by a stench that is impossible to describe.

When you try to share what that was like to experience? You tend to get comments of "well at least you got to's" along with the "just ignore it's" and some more "don't allow it's" too or even "people can only hurt you if you let them comments". I find that when people say that to me all it does is contribute to the shame I feel BECAUSE I FEEL.

I have shared my own challenge, because in all honesty, I don't want to do that to you, I don't want to tell you not to feel or in any way SHAME YOU because YOU DO FEEL. I would rather say to you, I can relate to the challenge and how BADLY IT CAN FEEL.
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