Hello toughbird

I'm going to take a crack at this and just provide my opinion based on what you share.

M and I dated on and off for one year. Became friends then started seeing each other again. M is an introvert. Has depression and anxiety. Scared of commitment. Many people feel he has*aspergers. ((This means he will be unpredictable, lack of emotional self control, and other behaviors that will make the relationship challenging) His always been hot and cold in our relationship. Put the barriers down as soon as I wanted our relationship to progress. As soon as I got close and began to fall in love with him. Which he knew I did. He swore we would never get back together. Seemed to highly resent the fact that I got to close. He would say hurtful things towards me whenever I tried to communicate and try to sort things out. Just kept pushing me away. Put up a wall around him. It hurt seeing him like this as he stopped going out. Hid away in his shell. He started to become his own enemy. ( Sounds like he suffers with either a dismissive or fearful attatchment style which means his an emotionally unavalible guy.)

Everytime he was around me. He resented me and made it known. Stopped replying to my texts. Stopped hanging outside of work. ( Sounds like his had some childhood tramua. Something about getting close to someone scares him greatly. This needs to be addressed with a therapist) So one day, I thought telling him that I don't love him would make it easier for him especially as he seemed to resent the thought that I love him. (I understand why you did this. You thought to get him back was to lie and soothe his fears. This is the wrong thing to do. You are not being true to yourself.) Made things worse. He held a grudge towards me for it. I couldn't seem to win either way. (Due to his hot and cold behaviour, you were probably confused as to why he seemed upset when you told him you don't love him. He may have felt confused himself or rejected).

I was leaving for a new job. I decided to be open and tell the truth about my feelings. I was living in denial if I wasn't been open.

On my final week of leaving my old job. Things between I and him seemed to improve. ( How did things improve? You haven't stated how?)I finally decided that having a friendship with him was more important than having a one sided unhealthy relationship with him. I informed him that I am happy to have a friendship with him. It would be great to meet with up every couple of weeks to hang out. On my last day at work. I and him agreed to go out for a drink and meal. (It's good at this point you realised having a relationship with him wasn't going to work. You realised your self worth.)

When my last day came, he rang me and bailed out going for a drink. Informing he wasn't feeling better with having a cold recently. Informed he has given what I said about meeting up and maintaining a friendship some thought and he would like to meet up in a couple of weeks to go out for Sunday lunch. Kept referring me as mate and laughed numerous times. I felt we had patched things up and things would get better. (Sounds like his fears got in the way. It's the hot and cold behaviour).

A couple of weeks passed. I started my new job. I didn't hear anything from him. No texts. No phone calls - just nothing.

I texted him to ask how he was? But I got no reply back. I left it but later saw him on Facebook. I sent him a message but he seemed fairly distant. Not wanting to talk much. So I reminded him about going out but he didn't answer me. (Maybe after you left. It was the wrong idea contacting him. You really should have left it for him to contact you. Allow him to get in touch first. He may just need space).

I had noticed his facebook activity appeared less active much less since I left. (If his socially isolating, this clearly indicates his having issues that he needs to deal with).

A week later, I texted him him on his work phone wishing him to have a good week. He replied but not much.

On Thursday this week, it was my 30th birthday. My sister shared a post reminding people about it. When it came to my birthday, he didn't even text me to wish me a happy birthday. So I texted him reminding that it's my birthday. He replied 90 mins later saying "have a good one"........ I was a little upset but got over it. I would have thought us being friends - he could have at least texted to wish me a happy birthday. (Maybe he didn't know it was your birthday. Maybe he forgot. I understand why you texted him to remind him. Especially as you are friends).

The next day (last night) the whole team met up for leaving drinks for the contract manager at the pub. As soon as I and he saw each other. His face lit up. He appeared extremely happy to see me. Offered to buy me a drink. We both hugged each other. I was feeling a little anxious but I kept my cool. (Maybe as you haven't seen each other in a while. He was genuinely happy to see you).

When I got up to head to the bar, I caught him looking towards my direction smiling. As soon as he saw me looking, he quickly looked away. He commented on wanting to share the same table I was sitting at to which he did. (He isn't going to sit next to you on your table or look at you if he felt umcomfortale around you. Clearly shows he wanted to be around you hence getting up to sit at your table.)

I sat down and started talking to previous work colleagues. I observed him quite a lot. He appeared very quiet most of the evening. Seemed like he had gone further into his shell since I last saw him. It took a while before we started to talk - me and him. He asked me how the new job was going? I informed him about what has been going on.

I then asked him how he was? He didn't speak much. I asked why has he been quiet in terms of not getting in touch especially as we had agreed to remain friends. I also enquired as to why he hasn't replied to my texts when I have texted him. He informed he knows but wouldn't talk about it. I informed that I would love to see him outside of work. Please not to shy away to which he promised he won't anymore.

After that conversation, he went to put on his jacket and leave. I persuaded him to stay. To which he did. (He probably felt pressured. Felt you were having a go at him. Hence why he went to leave. What is he like with confrontation? I bet due to his emotional unavalibility he runs away).

One of our colleagues sat next to us and asked me about my birthday? I informed I went out with friends. My colleague looked at M and asked as to whether M had gone to celebrate with me. I asked my colleague why would they think that? My colleague informed they know and anyone can see that M and I are close. I informed my colleague that it took me to remind M that it was my birthday to which my colleague jokingly said to M. "Oh M, why didn't you text and wish a happy birthday". At this point, I was drunk. M looked slightly drunk. (He probably felt like he was been ganged up.)

Twenty minutes later, the room got louder. When trying to talk to M, he kept asking me to repeat myself as he couldn't hear me. So I went to move my drink over to his and as soon as I got up to sit next to him in order for him to hear me. He grabbed hold of his jacket and went to run out of the pub. (It all got to much for him. It's fight or flight. It's his issue with intimacy. I think at this point, he felt too pressured. His way of dealing with it was to run away. He probably felt you were going to sit next to him. Too much closeness which is why men like this will always run away from the issue). I enquired as to why he was rushing out. I was completely speechlous. I didn't know what in the world just happened.

He came back in to say goodbye to a few colleagues. I saw him come back in and tried to find out what the hell is going on? To which I followed him around the pub as he kept on trying to run away. Colleagues saw his behaviour and tried to figure out what was going on. To which he informed he needs to go and then left.

I followed him outside of the pub to which he asked me to leave him alone. I kept asking him what is going on? To which he said to me, "You need help. You need psychiatric help. You really do. You need therapy. Just f*** off and leave me alone". To which he walked off and I stood outside the pub. He walked back to me and said, "The police are going to be on to you". Then he walked away. (He's afraid of intimacy, very afraid,...but probably also wants or needs it deep down. Shouting at you was his way of diverting away from his own behaviour. He felt like a caged animal. I'm sure you just wanted to reassure him and try to calm him down. You shouldn't have followed him. Allow him to breathe. He felt it was too much for him).

I managed to sober up but remember everything that happened. I'm incredibly shocked and confused as to what happened.

I won't be contacting him again.

Maybe someone can explain but I'm extremely confused.

What you need to know is this guy has a number of issues wrong with him. He needs to ask and seek professional help in order to deal with his intimacy issues. The only way he can deal with it and handle having close relationships. At this moment, his not ready for what you have to offer him hence why he is being hot and cold. You have been a good friend and extremely patient. My advise would be to focus on your own life. Work on your self esteem. Date someone who can provide emotional intimacy. Don't contact him. Let him contact you when his ready. At the moment, his not ready for a relationship or friendship. The relationship you need to seek is within your self worth. Good luck.