I had my first depressive episode at age 10. I distinctly remember waking up one morning feeling like I wanted to die. It was awful; kids don't understand those emotions at that age and all I knew was I felt terrible and guilty somehow, like I'd done something to deserve it. I kept it to myself though, because I knew my parents wouldn't understand and they'd tell me to buck up and smile. That was their cure for everything under the sun. I didn't realize that it was depression; there was no trigger that I can recall. I figured it out later when I was 13 and had another episode...still didn't have a name for it, but I recognized the feelings.

Mania didn't show up for another few years, but I remember the first one even though I had no idea what it was. I spent an entire summer manic AF, but of course had no idea why I was acting that way. I was spending upwards of 14-hour days at work, my production was amazing but I made a lot of mistakes (this was in a factory). I'd drink so I could sleep for 2-3 hours and get up and do it all over again. My boss complained that I never shut up and I actually told my life story from birth. I don't remember doing that. But I spent money like it was going out of style, and I did things like spend a long weekend in Ensenada, Mexico getting hammered and stoned with people I didn't even know.