It's almost 2 years since I moved to a big city for college. I didn't know that I had an inferiority complex. I remember sitting in the class, not knowing who am I and comparing myself to others. I realized I felt inferior to them. To clarify, I chose a university where the social relationship you make are very important for you to have a career. I chose it because I thought it will make me grow and be a better version of myself, I wanted to be a scriptwriter, but I started feeling like I don't have what it takes in comparisons to others that where there. I didn't see so many films before entering this school, I couldn't make myself remarked, although people remarked me, I had friends and my first story was one of the best in the class. My problem was that I couldn't speak up, I doubted that I could make relationships with the other students and that I could succeed in this career. When I started to know I felt inferior, I became very ashamed. I had a beautiful relationship that time, but I couldn't be sincere about what was actually happening. I begin to feel a strong never-ending anxiety and fear of other people that followed me everywhere. I began to be nervous with my boyfriend, to lash my feelings onto him. I didn't know why I did those things, I couldn't accept my problem. At one point, I isolated myself from everyone. I wanted to know where these feelings come from, I spent many hours thinking why I can't speak up, but that was the first problem. I should have investigated why I felt inferior. After that, I retired in my own world. I wasn't present anymore. I became so depressed I had to take pills. My relationship deteriorated very badly and I have hurt him very much. But he sticked with me, although I was lost. I found a refuge in him and somehow I became complacent in my immaturity, always depending on him. I couldn't do anything for myself anymore. Somehow, I managed to get myself out of the depression by starting painting, which I always enjoyed, writing in my journal, going to school and by a new friend,but the bad feelings always followed me. Besides, I was very numb by the medications I took. The second semester ended up good, because I wanted to demonstrate I can, but after it ended I was sucked out of life and so exhausted that I ended up in depression again, this time worse. My relationship became very toxic and I would put him down constantly. I wanted to always feel loved so that I wouldn't have to feel those things. In the end, we broke up and everything became a nightmare for me. I felt terror, a deep sense of hopelessness, I was truly alone and I couldn't trust anyone. I always put a mask on my face and now I don't want to anymore. I'm scared that my parents, who wait for my succes will be disappointed. I feel like I waste their money. As a child, I was very successful because of this feeling, now I feel like I have given up. I have a very negative view of the world. I can trust no one, I feel that it will end up very bad for me and I feel emotionally blocked for a very long time. I have suicidal thoughts. I feel bad that it took me so long to accept this and I hate myself for what I have done to the people I loved. I really don't know what to do. Ive been in therapy before, but it didn't work, maybe because of me. I'm sorry that i posted here but I am truly desperate. Sorry for the english too. I have a vague idea what caused me to have these problems and I know I always had them. My mom was very strict with high expectations from me, she didn't spent much time with me when I was a child and never encouraged me. I alway felt alone and in danger. She would always say i could do better. I was always compared with a relative that was smarter than me by my grandmother who lived with us. As a child, I felt left out, sometimes the other kids would make fun of me and I got bullied too. I'm ashamed for making this desperate post, but I need some guidance. I, by myself, don't know what to do and I'm very confused for a long time, I don't know who I am and I can't see any good parts in myself. I also can't comunicate with others. This is my only chance.