I hope it’s alright I post about my partner here. He has an incredibly addictive personality. He has a disability which causes him to be in pain a lot. He used to take harder rx painkillers but decided he didn’t want to do that anymore. Instead, he has started to self medicate which I’m not sure is any better. He takes an herbal supplement which is legal, Kratom, but is highly addictive. He went from taking it once a day to twice to now three time over the course of a year. He also started smoking again (something he never told me he did before we met) saying the kratom made him crave nicotine. I finally told him he can’t smoke in my house (but can smoke anywhere else, just not around me because cigarette smoke gives me migraines) and so he started vaping. I started getting a lot of sinus infections and finally convinced him to vape outside. He eventually stopped nicotine altogether, since nicotine actually aggravated his disability. But within a month or two, he was chewing nicotine gum. He hid that from me and when I found a pack of it and asked he lied and said it was someone else’s. Then he blew up and said I have no right to judge him for anything and it’s his life. I was upset he lied, I honestly think the gum was better than the smoking or vaping. This didn’t have a byproduct affecting me. So.... Now he chews 24/7. He always has nicotine gum in his mouth. He’s upped to the max nicotine gm. If he is close to running out, he flips out and can’t focus on anything else until he gets more nicotine. But he always runs out. Which boggles my mind. Don’t wait until you’re out? But I realize I’m not an authority on this one.

His kratom is also expensive and he doesn’t prioritize spending so some months he runs out before he gets paid. His withdrawals are awful. He gets violently ill and can’t function. Two months ago, I drove 3 hours to the supplier and I got him several bags. Which I paid for. I told him now he had a surplus and if he just bought a new bag even every other month, he’d be ok. But no. He just used all those bags up and he now is almost out again. And doesn’t seem to care. He told me he’ll just wait until next month. Y’all— it’s only the 10th.

I know he is hurting, but it pains me that he is hurting himself by running out. It hurts me that he has had to cut a date or an outing short because his needs gum. It frustrates me when no matter what we’re doing, we’re making pit stops for his gum. It frustrates me he leaves his gum wrappers everywhere and spits him gum out and never throws it away. One day, I got so frustrated I grabbed the wrapper (they’re like individual pill wrappers) and cut my arm with it. Because... I couldn’t stand it anymore. I have since upped my antidepressants and seen a therapist more regularly. But this is taking a toll.

He tells me I’m running his life and telling him what he can’t do. I’ve never told him what he can or can’t do. But I have taken a stand for how it impacts me. If he chooses to do this, I respect his decision. It is his life. But when it hurts my health or starts affecting my life, I am just tired of it. And I just.... can’t.

I am really trying to be understanding. I am trying not to be a “nag” as he calls me. I don’t want to even be involved in any of this. He can do what he wants. But when it affects his health, it bothers me. And his obsession with these substances is running his life and ultimately, running ours.

I realize I’m supremely lucky he isn’t doing anything harder. But I worry when that might start. He used to be an alcoholic. He has taken drugs. I worry with how much he increases his dependency on these things, he will turn to something else. We’ve talked about having kids but I’m terrified if he starts doing anything else, he’ll use the same justification— it’s his body. He can do what he wants.

I guess this is more me having to make a decision for me. I realize I can’t change him. I can’t expect him to not be this way. Right? So.... can I live with this? I don’t know.... I feel petty even thinking about leaving over nicotine gum and kratom.