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Open Eyes
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Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
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Default Mar 10, 2019 at 11:40 AM
 
I have been giving what you shared here a lot of thought. There are times that I can feel this way myself.

When a child grows up in a dysfunctional home where they don't feel safe and they get messages from a parent or even a sibling that constantly faults them, they have no choice but to try to function despite the negative messages they are getting and whatever is taking place in their home that contributes to their not feeling safe.

When you say "I am functioning but I am not healing", well, that is saying a lot. That's because that is what you did as a child too, I can SO RELATE to this myself. A child if told they are a disappointment or a burden will begin to believe it, the child believes it because a child has no life experiences to know otherwise. A parent that constantly attacks a child's self esteem is very hard on that child and can actually create some very deep seeded negative self beliefs in that child that can affect how that child feels about themselves for the rest of their lives. This can genuinely lead to this challenge you are describing where functioning well doesn't heal this deep seeded hurt and sense of poor self image. A part of you knows what's missing and you try to provide it to others, and I bet you do a really good job when it comes to that. Yet, often that alone doesn't heal the hurt in "self".

I have a hurt like that and I really have a hard time when it comes to sharing my own needs and hurts. I genuinely FEEL like if I do that someone will criticize me for it and I can get hurt. This has led to others saying "how can you be so good about helping others and yet struggle so much yourself". Well, this develops from getting messages over and over again that you should not FEEL and "don't feel because I don't want to hear it" and your problems are not important, don't bother me with your problems. And somehow often without realizing it a person begins to feel bad if they need help and have problems or are hurt or scared or NEED something. Without realizing it, you know what's missing and you can help others and see their needs, but you unknowingly can feel that your own needs are a burden.

Another thing that can happen that a person challenged like this can end up experiencing is how they are surrounded by people that NEED from them yet cannot provide the same back. This can most definitely reinforce this same vein without someone realizing it. The responses to a need are usually COLD and matter of fact like telling you how to fix a mathematical problem or something, instead of providing caring and emotional support. So, this message of "don't bother me with your feelings" tends to keep that deep seeded challenge constant in the subconscious mind. That is what you want to "heal" and often there has been so many negative messages that this hurt can take a long time to heal, for some, the rest of their lives.

The important thing about where you are right now is that you are becoming more aware and are identifying the source of the hurt you have that needs healing.

"We may forget exactly what someone says, but we never forget how that person made us feel", that is the truth and can take time to slowly define what that hurt was so one can talk it out and slowly and gradually identify each kind of hurt that created in them.
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