Hey everyone,

I haven't every posted here. I usually hang out in yhe bipolar forums but I feel like my biggest problem right now is alcohol.

I have been hospitalized many times in the past 2 years sincr my diagnosis and most have been due to an episode combined with alcohol use ending in a suicide attempt. Ny most recent hospitalization was in december for a month and included a trip on lifelight to a place where i could get help for what i had done to myself

I am usually able to go a week to a month without alcohol but then i go straight back to it. I was drinking and not taking my meds a month after getting home but managed to go back on meds and quit drinking for almosy a week again. Unfortunstely that only lasted just under a week and I am back to driniing and not takibg my meds again.

I was feeling very let down by my healthcare providers(except my gp) and quit talking to them all. But my consumptuon has increased faster than ever and i am up to 10+ drinks a day again after only a week. Tonight the SI is increasing and the fact that I am almost out of alcohol is stressing me out so much. I juat promised my H i wouldnt drink his beer an hour ago and I am currently drinkong one because I ran out of whiskey.

My GP talked to me for a minute the other day(we work together sometimes) and caught me off guard and I have been feeling more guilt since that and my H"s comments tonight. I trust them both and wish it was as easy as just listening to them

Anyways I just typed way too much but my problem is i feel I would just be wasting my gps time to go see her even though I want to. My H made me cry because he said I am a human Im not wasting anyones time but I truly feel I am.

My T is referring me to more intensive OP treatment and an IP program as well and I just feel like I cant do it and would just rather die than keep failing.

I dont know why I cant just stop. I have come extremely close to losing my life numerous times, close to losing my job and family this last time and been given more than my fair share of everyones help and empathy so why cant I stop. And do I still deserve anyones time? It doesnt feel like it.