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Old 03-11-2019, 01:11 AM
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Wander Wander is offline
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Wander exists in a dualistic state...
Member Since: Jul 2014
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In Thread #32

Originally Posted by beauflow View Post
I keep deleting posts, due to the feeling of safe and even worth it creeps in.
Thanks to you that have been kind, and I wish everyone the best.

I have been kicking around thoughts, if any read what I wrote earlier it is in reference to cannabis- which is controversial and yes - I would be an abuser of getting high; But I really don't care atm because at least it got me off of sui and hom thoughts, I have still been bouncy and chaotic like I was but not as bad. When I got sick in mid feb I stopped medicating myself.
I hope work goes better this week, last week was a breaking point and I cried, snapped, and just too much.

The place that general doc suggested I've been writing emails with to get a better idea of what to expect. They only do psychotherapy, so I am in the midsts of asking do they referral out to psychiatrists -- because I keep getting prescribed drugs that I am afraid to take, and I am at a point that I Guess I should start taking them.
A lot of things in my mind revolving around this; because - what if I would had just stuck with the first therapist and pdoc back in 2011... what if. etc, whatever-

Look forward and yet- I can't help but to keep wondering what is it "that I am missing" to be whole? in a sense.. it's hard to explain.
The urge to self-destruct with drugs is a BIG red flag. Do you have the support you need? Why are you afraid to take your meds? A trip to a pdoc sounds in order. Be careful. Things can get out of hand quickly. It is an understandable thing to wonder. Just don't obsess over it. You may find your answer organically just by going about your life. Please stay safe and seek urgent help if you cannot. Keep posting. It may help you gather your thoughts, and get support while you do.
Bipolar 1 with psychotic features

Ziprasidone (Geodon) - 120 mg
Lithium - 900 mg
Lamotrigine (Lamictal) - 200 mg - tapering off
Clonazepam 2 mg

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