Thanks everyone. I appreciate it. You have all helped me really gain perspective on the situation. I realize that the nicotine gum is honestly vanilla in comparison to all the host of other things that I could be dealing with. And honestly, the gum itself doesn't bother me. It did bother me that he lied to me. And has treated me like an outsider. And I think that hurt my feelings.

I truly understand and respect he has a right to make his own decisions for himself. And at the end of the day, like has been said --- I can't change him. I can't make him stop. I won't be enough of a reason for him to stop. And at the rate this escalates, in a year from now, I don't know how bad this could get. He went from smoking several packs a day to weaning himself down to 0 nicotine to chewing a piece or two of 2mg gum to 4mg gum to 24/7 nicotine gum in his system. He falls asleep with it in his mouth sometimes. But-- I have to decide what I want for my body. And my life. Do I want someone that freaks out when they run out of gum and makes us drop everything to get more? I honestly think if he didn't become so darn crazed about it, it wouldn't bother me. But he just-- flips. He'll be happy and fun and then realize he's out of gum....then he's angry and irritable and snapping at me and then he'll grab his keys and say he can't live like this, he's going to get some gum. And peels out of the driveway. And I'm just like...what?

I know its his right to do what he wants. Just like I wouldn't want anyone to tell me what to do with my body. But I also would be up front. When we met, he kept saying "I gotta quit, I gotta quit, its so bad for me. I want to quit". And I was like "Grand! I'll support you". But now that he has decided he doesn't want to quit, I feel conflicted. Because I don't know how far my support goes with this addiction. I came home and he had downed a 6 pack in an hour and it sort of surprised me. Like--where did this come from? He won't talk to me about it. And that worries me. What if he starts drinking again? What if he starts smoking again? What if those aren't strong enough and he goes back down the dark road of pills?

I realize I am playing a dangerous game with what-ifs. I have to accept him as he is. But I also have to be VERY real about my own limitations. I will not have smoke in my house. I will not be in a car or put my own life at risk if he is impaired. I will not use my own money to fund his habits. I will not care for him more than he cares for himself.

He ran out of Kratom again this weekend and was sweating and shivering and moaning in his sleep. All night. I just lay there and grit my teeth. Because-- this is his own doing. Part of me wants to send him to sleep somewhere else. He is doing this to himself. He has 100% ability to NOT go through this. But he does anyways. Like-- I've gotten past the Kratom. I don't care if he is doing it but please don't keep yo-yo-ing through withdrawals. i know they won't kill him but his being sick from it gets old. Its avoidable. And as petty as it does sound, I don't want to go through that. I am tired. I'm dealing with my own mental health stuff. I have to hide self-harm on my arms because of how darn exhausted I am. Yet I am working all day. And he is sitting at home...watching tv...going through withdrawals, waiting for me to come home and make dinner.

I feel like a parent...and I need a partner. Not a child.