https://forums.psychcentral.com/6464772-post994.html
Quote:
|
The urge to self-destruct with drugs is a BIG red flag. Do you have the support you need? Why are you afraid to take your meds? A trip to a pdoc sounds in order. Be careful. Things can get out of hand quickly. It is an understandable thing to wonder. Just don't obsess over it. You may find your answer organically just by going about your life. Please stay safe and seek urgent help if you cannot. Keep posting. It may help you gather your thoughts, and get support while you do.
|
Wander thank you
I've been struggling and I deleted what I wrote and I am sorry, earlier I was a freight train of thoughts.
In real life- I have continued to be agitated, at work, at stores- I have to constantly check myself and isolate
I have to wait another 8 weeks for a therapist at the place that the gen doc suggested. I will continue to look/// or at least some thing.
Support- no, yes? not entirely - but I have tried. I don't blame folks not wanting to be around me at times... plus I can have issues with people... some times I feel better off alone.
I don't take the Pdoc meds due to the ones I tried, my paranoia went out of control. I was young, had a lot of PTSD issues to still work out (and do), I was already leery of taking the meds to begin with-- then my unfortunate reaction happened, which made me scared.
later with my back issues, any chemical drug seems to mess with me in adverse effects.
With the topic of pdoc meds- My strong core belief that "THEY are trying to control me" let's loose and it can be difficult to maintain- they can be many.
However I have been thinking on this a lot, it is not that "they" *Who ever they are* is trying, it is that I am in need of assistance of better management... this is difficult, my father used to tell me something that has stuck with me to this day, which assists with this negative core belief.
I DO believe being aware of thoughts is great; however I keep losing this ground.
The last Pdoc I saw made it very clear to me, that no matter what I take- their drugs or try on my own, it is all about management. I will always have the highs, I will always have the lows-- and I guess chaotically cycle as I do as I don't and have not fully understood that through this chaos (get told I rapid cycle or at least NOS if not rapid....., but come on!). Get me off this crazy train.
-- I debated with her on bipolar diagnosis.. Not in an argument way, but I a true debate where I learned more from that... and yet I still question it- funny but not.
Cigarettes I would say I am addicted to- yes very much indeed and not only that, but my two back surgeries both surgeons mentioned I was doing more self harm with the cigarettes than anything else.. - if I get to start smoking cigs again. no I can't just have one and I will have another after.- the quitting recently has what probably assisted to ampt so much
but I will not start ... due to:
if I don't stop now- when will I?!
Some may say the cannabis is the same way, but I am not getting high every day-- because that is counter productive.
Asking for organic life style- I tried that, that was in part why I went in the first time to therapy.. - Stopped everything and was trying to be like everyone else and failing horribly.
I even continued NOT to partake after that therapy but ya know in 2013 or 2014 I had a break down and cannabis was there to assist with getting back around and making things at least bearable again.
I tried that later in life with no cannabis and that really did not go well.
One a good note, my cat is back home with me.. which he is happier just being at home and it was nice to see that.. strange in a way but nice. Hopefully no more bugs.
Apologies I felt I needed to reply and it is so long.
I got 8 weeks to wait or find help, so I pulled out an old CBT book -- that I can get mad at or forget. but at least I did read part of it today.