Two years ago...
I was told “there is light at the end of the tunnel. This will get better.”

I thought, “You have no idea what i have been through how can you say something like that? I will have to live with this for the rest of my life.”

As of February i have not had suicidal thoughts for a year.

What worked for me? Something finally just clicked. My therapist would always say we have to learn to forgive. Again 3 herniated disk, A metal hip replacement, a dislocated nose and a mouth full of missing teeth. How could you forgive such abuse. I didn’t forgive but i found a way to reason it, some what, the same. I said to myself “I am divorcing my father (my abuser) he does not get to be my father anymore.” It wasn’t enough to say it, i had to feel it.
When i let myself feel it. A heavy weight was taken of my shoulders i felt i could move forward. I felt hope for a future of my own making.

Everything is not sunshine and rainbows. This last weekend i had trouble going out and shopping. I still have problems with being hyper vigilant in public spaces. I had a panic attack, but i went to a quite place (my car) and i said “I’m safe.” Then i started to peace together why i had the attack, the events leading to the attack. I still went home feeling anxious. But overall things went better than they have in the past and i was able to identify my emotions as i was having them.

I am the sum of my past, but I do not have to let my past decide my future.