Hello TeaFruit,

Thank you for sharing your truth here in so much detail. Sharing our truth can be a valuable part of healing. I am so sorry that you have been experiencing all of these problems with your mother.

The name-calling was verbal abuse. Not okay. The suicide threat was emotional abuse. Not okay. And understandably very disturbing and frightening for you. The abuse is not your fault. You didn't cause it. I am sorry that has happened to you. You deserve peace, joy, and unconditional love.

You mentioned that you still live with your mother and you feel this inhibits your healing. That makes sense to me. Challenging to move forward and let go when you are actually still living with someone who does not treat you with respect and safety. Though I also respect your current reality; you don't feel able to just get up and leave.

I do not know if your mother is living with NPD or BPD. To some extent, I'm not sure if it matters too much what her particular diagnosis would be. As you have pointed out, you need to focus on yourself and your coping and healing. Correct me if I'm wrong, but your mother doesn't sound likely to go to a therapist or seek any professional help. So she may never be diagnosed.

Your mother seems to be experiencing a lot of anxiety. That's likely where the strong need for control (of you and the home environment) is coming from. Anger is often an expression of fear. So there are times when it sounds like she could be feeling very fearful and has not developed healthier ways to deal with her emotions.

She has clearly been abusive toward you on more than one occasion. I wonder if there is abuse in your mother's history. You may or may not know the answer to that and I would -not- recommend asking her. I mention this because abusive people were often abused themselves at some point. Not an excuse but something to think about because I got the sense that you are trying to understand your mother and her behaviors.

You asked why she seems to manage okay at work but not at home. Home is her comfort zone. People often "let it all hang out" so to speak at home; for better or worse. She's more comfortable on her own turf so then you see more of the uninhibited and intense behaviors. And on some level she likely knows that if she abuses her boss, there will be no more boss and no more job. I have known two abusive people in my life who actually presented very well when they were not at home. At work or socially they were professional or even charming whereas their home selves were erratic and frightening. The natural consequences for abuse are very different in the workplace compared with home.

I applaud you for trying therapy. That is a brave and wise choice. So well done! I also agree with your therapist's ideas. Working toward finding a job or volunteer opportunity could be very beneficial for you. When we help others, we help ourselves. Could also give you a sense of connection and help to build up your self-esteem.

In the meantime, did you and your therapist ever talk about meditation? I find it really helpful. I can send you some links if you're interested. I also recommend talking to your therapist about identifying a list of your mother's triggers in addition to developing some strategies for how to respond (or not) when she is escalating.

Again, I am so sorry for your struggles Tea Fruit. You sound like a very bright and strong person. I wish you peace and hope.