I’ve 34 years old and I've screwed up my life so badly. No college degree, lots of failed endeavors, and today I sit here with absolutely nothing. Not enough money to go back to school, and I’ve had to resort to taking a job for $38K because I can’t get anything else right now. I’ve tried so hard, I’ve modernized and personalized and put in so much time and effort into resumes and cover letters and I would work so hard for someone, I'd work 16 hours a day or more for an 8 hour shift but I just can’t get an opportunity.

It takes everything I have not to jump off one of the bridges I walk across in Chicago everyday because of my failure and shame. I see happy, successful people all around me with great jobs and smiles on their faces. And I don’t want to chip away at them and say I don’t know how their lives really are. I hope they are that happy and successful. It just didn’t turn out to be me.

I tried to avoid the rat race by trying other things for all these years when I could’ve been happy now if I had just done it. I’m just so sorry to everyone. It’s my own fault. I’m sorry to my parents who gave me a good upbringing. I’m sorry to my friends who always supported me and told me they thought I was the kind of person that could do special things. I used to volunteer coach a lot with Special Olympics and there was this little girl Chelsea who had autism who wrote a letter to me once saying thank you for teaching her to follow her dreams and that she thought I was going to be amazing. It was one of the greatest memories of my life but now it’s just sad because I didn’t become anything. I’m so sorry to her. And I'm sorry you have to read this.

I try to listen to these motivational videos and about how if you just bear down and work hard you can come out of this, but I don’t know if there is a coming out of this. I try so hard everyday to turn things around, try to push past all these negative thoughts and shame and it just doesn’t work. Everyone keeps saying darkness doesn’t last forever but it is. Hard work isn’t changing anything. Pushing through isn’t changing anything. Every day is a struggle. I can’t enjoy anything anymore, mostly because I probably feel like I don’t deserve to anymore. I haven’t earned anything. I put on a fake smile with friends and family so they think I’m OK, so they think I’m not the huge failure I am. I’m living a lie everyday.

I could live on $40K and working **** jobs the rest of my life if I had to. It’s the shame and failure that I don’t know if i can live with. What kind of life is it to just feel deep anxiety, stress, shame, and failure every minute of every day? And do this for 40 or more years still? I get nausea just thinking about having to do it all over again tomorrow, from how hard it is to get to sleep with my heart pounding out of my chest to waking up with full blown anxiety all over again, and having to stop myself multiple times from just breaking out crying throughout every day. And then try to push that all away so I can spend more of my life and time into these resumes and cover letters that have taken over my existence, I've sought out help from professionals on them to make sure I'm doing it right, and I spend lots of time personalizing them.

I know there isn’t anything anyone can do. I’m here because of what I’ve done. I work out everyday and volunteer as much as I can, hoping my existence can at least help someone else. I try to be kind and loving towards everyone, to strangers, going out of my way to try to help people and hoping that can just be enough even if I'm poor and pathetic. But those are only temporary reliefs. If salvation lies within, I’m in a lot of trouble.

I guess I just wanted to hear someone’s opinion. I almost got in my car the other day to visit the city I used to live in to see Chelsea at her school, so I could see her one last time and say goodbye. And that I hope she’ll always remember me well.

I wish everyone well here in their journeys and appreciate anything anyone has to say, whether it is negative or positive.

Thank you.