TheUrOther , I hope you the best.
I am not perfect, I have flaws and wiring that I've been trying to work on for a while now. I'll probably always find something to pick away... at myself or others. Though I try to work on that.
I haven't read your whole thread either... but enough to expect to be picked apart and attacked. (That's "ok", it may trigger but I am used to it & I will get over it).
But I wanted to share something-
My last T I opened up and explained one of many "train of thoughts" that comes in, especially if I'm depressed... that thought and belief is that all humans are are bad.. our society doesnt really care... sure, society may have some that are kind and at times are nice, but the deep roots and primal instincts that come about.... because, let's face it humans can be vile creatures...
I can get tunnel vision with this, and also those thoughts that every one is against me.. heck, not too long ago I believed people wanted me hurt myself... because of their maladaptive behaviours that they dont seem to see or care of ( and worse these people around see it and agree, but they never address the issue.. not like I have tried).
Last T mentioned a few things that have stuck with me:
that the world isn't perfect, humans have flaws but there are people that try and do try to make the world better, even if they aren't perfect.
And- with my past traumas, it makes sense on how and why I get to viewing the world this way... while not 100% distorted thoughts, the thoughts at times are "absolutes " -- which I am one, on a "good day" doesn't believe in absolutes.
It is hard to think logically as others say, because MY logic makes sense. .. and yet, yes that logic in those times are due to imprinting from others.
There will probably be some "evil" in the world, but my own personal beliefs is we have a choice ourselves of what we can do.
I can let the anger hold my heart down and make it heavy or i can attempt to make the world a slightly better place by working on my issues and self...
It's unjust to be continually abused and it can feel like a trap... but this is why One may reach out in many ways... some to therapy, some to drugs, some to bigger wars, some to volunteering, some continue on with their same cycles without thought.
I've had plenty of people not like me due to whatever it is... and I realize this may sound crude to some but in many cases it says more on their struggles than me.
Other times, sure I can see why they may have had a problem with me... and yes the cop out- I'm human with flaws... but so is everyone else. At least I'll attempt to mend with trying to come together again, but that's a two way street. At the very least I'll attempt to self evaluate and where can I grow if I can think that far.
Each of us have our own struggles, every human.
I've had to leave environments due to the severe maladaptive ways, this was my own family.. many people do, and many people don't. Baggage is carried either way... and some unpack and some don't.
Boundaries are something I still work on but have been better with- if they can't be respected- I respect myself enough to walk away...
Kill or be killed environments get tiring and wearing... but I hope that one day you find your way ... to either have order and balance, or to leave and make your own as best as you can.