This is embarrassing but I feel like I need to get it out.

On another forum, there's this guy, I liked his posts for some reason. It's hard to explain, but I always looked for his replies in each thread, took more notice of them, and felt good when he responded. But that's all it was, very mild, can't even call it obsession. But then he put a picture of himself in a thread, and he is gorgeous. So then I developed a huge crush on him and have been obsessively reading his posts, quoting him if I can. And if he quotes me me now, I feel all giggly. It's embarrassing.

Well all of that is bad enough, but I've been daydreaming about him, fantasising about him being my boyfriend, and doing some very intimate stuff. These fantasies are very intense and have some very intense effects on me. I really enjoy them at the time, but afterwards I feel really ashamed. He's obviously not my boyfriend (for all I know he may already have a partner, though he's never mentioned one), and the things I do in my fantasies and very shameful. And then when I go on to that forum, I feel embarrassed and awkward, even though he knows nothing about it.

Also I have to make a lot up, because I don't know certain things like, I don't know what his voice sounds like or how he walks, so I feel like I'm projecting my ideas of a perfect boyfriend onto him in this fantasy, which could be totally wrong.

In the book I've just finished, there was a minor character with the same name as him, and even just that was enough to set me off thinking about him. Ridiculous. I'm obsessed! I feel too old for this too, I'm in my late 30's, and I'm acting like a giggly teenage girl.

I just feel so dirty and ashamed of it. It feels like something I shouldn't be doing. and especially when I go onto the forum and see his posts, I feel worse. But I can't help doing it. There's also the fact that I am supposedly so ugly, it feels wrong to think that any guy would want to do those things with me. It should be unthinkable. Even worse, I have this fetish (I think) which involves a certain situation, and I inflict that on him, which is even more shameful.

And of course on top of all that, I'm wasting so much time on these daydreams and fantasies. But of course at the time I don't care because I'm enjoying myself too much.