TheUrOther,

Right now you are interacting in a forum where other people suffer from ptsd and complex ptsd and many of these members have suffered abuse and neglect. Please keep in mind that when you express your anger and extreme frustration, others here can relate, and others here are trying very hard NOT TO self blame for suffering from abuse, neglect, being bullied being alone, struggling to have friends, being labelled as bad when they are not bad people, and have suffered ALONE often with NO HELP too. So, it's important that you understand that when you begin to express anger at other members here, you are triggering them to actually feel the way you feel where you struggle and have been dealing with not finding the caring and help you need to experience.

My childhood was hard too. I spent a lot of years in my own childhood where every single day I witnessed my older brother being bullied and abused and hurt. He was constantly punished, he was dragged into a shed and hit with a belt, he was told if he cried he would be hit harder. The other children constantly picked on him every single day, no one would sit with him and I began to witness this when I was just a little five year old child. I watched him sit alone, stare out a window TRYING to hide the tears that were rolling down his face. I witnessed this every single day and NO ONE stopped it. My brother did not know what to do with all the stress and these feelings he had from suffering so much abuse that he would suck his thumb all night long TRYING to self sooth so he could sleep. My brother's lips got so swollen and blistered and even bleed. That became something he was picked on about too, the other children on the bus would chant so meanly "big lips, big lips" and I would see how hard it was for him and I felt SO HELPLESS. However, I did not have my OWN identity, I just became X's sister. And no one wanted to be friends with me either because I was X's sister.

I felt sorry for my older brother and I have an older sister too that hated my older brother from the moment he came home as a baby. She even tried to kill him. So at home I always had to deal with HER hate for him too. She would tell me if I was nice to him or played with him that she would shun me and be mean to me and not play with me.

I did not listen to her and because I kept seeing that my older brother had NO ONE, NOT ONE FRIEND, I decided to become his friend. At least he had someone, however, that was extremely challenging for me because my brother would endure so much abuse on that bus and in school and be treated so badly by the teachers too, that he would get to a point where he would need to VENT all his pent up anger. So, guess who had to deal with that? I had to learn to look for when he would blow up and need to vent and that is when I would have to run and hide. I used to NEED to find places I could hide, that was always something I looked for "good hiding places" and no one knew that. I could not tell because I knew if I did tell that all that would happen is he would end up being punished even more. I genuinely had fear that if that happened that his rage could be so bad he might kill me.

I prayed and prayed throughout my childhood for someone to come and HELP HIM. I knew he needed an adult to care about him and help him. When you talk about not fitting in, not having friends, not finding a way to connect? I faced that challenge too because I was X's sister.

This morning I got on the phone trying to find help. I am dealing with an older sister who also takes her anger out on me, she has raged at me and made it a point to cut off anyone I can reach out to so I can ONLY know things if I go to her. She has lied to me, smeared me, raged at me to a point where right now my mother is dying and I get TOO triggered to go and visit my mother because my sister hovers around and WANTS me to suffer because SHE is unhappy. My sister is abusing the power she was given, my parents would be LIVID if they knew. She has been bullying me and triggering me and I got on the phone and guess what NO ONE can help me. And a lawyer noticed this but in order for me to do anything I have to spend money and I DON'T HAVE IT. People have told me to try to talk to my sister about visiting my parents alone, my sister literally BLEW UP at me on the phone and told me I have to pay HER $1,200 in order to get that.
When people tell me to practice this and accept this etc, all it says to me is GIVE IN TO YOUR ABUSER.

Now you come here all angry and when I reach out to comfort you and try to be supportive you point your finger at me and BLAME ME? Can you see how that can trigger me? You don't think I KNOW what you are feeling? You don't think what I am experiencing has been affecting MY HEALTH? You can't see how I wake up during the night with these chills, how I have a hairdryer next to my bed so I can blow hot air on myself to get rid of the horrible chills. You don't even see me here at my desk typing this with a heater blowing on my legs either. You don't see how my lower legs look red and discolored from this, yet I just want to NOT HAVE THESE CHILLS. And yet, when you respond to me you BLAME ME and tell me I do nothing. I am trying but I keep getting the "sorry I can't help you replies".

I AM a nice person too, I am kind and caring and yet I have been bullied and abused anyway. I have tried to not talk about my own challenges, actually, it's very hard for me to do so and I honestly feel like someone will respond to me in hurtful ways because that is what I have ALREADY experienced. I also know how one can get so they get angry at EVERYONE too. Actually, in your other thread a member I know that is also struggling and trying "beauflow" that I have reached out to with support to, replied to you and I have to say it was one of the best written posts I have ever seen her write. A lot of times when she reaches out her posts are somewhat disconnected and hard to follow. Yet I know she is triggered when I see that, and yet that post she wrote to you was not like that. I can see she put a lot of thought into that post to you. She was trying to let you know she can relate to how you feel, the frustration you are feeling and the anger too.

I know what you mean when you express how the BULLIES and ABUSERS often win too. I am living it right now. People tell me to IGNORE her and JUST and yet when I try to do that I end up getting so badly triggered my face turns white as a ghost and I am possessed by that young frightened child part of me that developed from YEARS of witnessing and struggling with what I experienced in my childhood. Before I have any conscious choice I am that frightened child that just wants to RUN AWAY AND HIDE. Do I need to feel GUILTY about that? Do I need to hear THAT'S MY CHOICE? Do I need to hear the only thing you can change is YOU? I am trying but there are times where these episodes I experience just take over and cripple me.

I am very personally familiar with the anger too. I do see you have a lot of anger and you are venting it, I have struggled with that myself and I know other members here can relate. No one here is telling you to give into abuse either. However, you need to understand that many members here are dealing with their own histories some of which are many traumas, many abuses, with NO HELP, just like you describe. Yet, we can all get triggered when you respond to us pointing your finger and blaming us for also struggling and being victims.

We are trying to be supportive with you, members here for the most part are actually NICE people that for whatever reason suffered abuse and trauma that hurt them and they struggle and we all know how hard it is to get HELP and how lonely our challenge feels and is too. I think so many here post and share to have a way of crying out so people will hear us and work on realizing what causes our condition and work on ways to help and prevent better. I know the frustration, this longing to understand before you die as to WHY and how to stop it too. It's very easy to sink into the mentality of hating human beings as a whole, but that's not going to FIX anything either. These people that begin to sink into that state of mind so much that they grab a gun and go out and kill people blindly DOESN'T FIX what's wrong either. Actually, all it does is make it even worse and add to the stigma of the challenge that NONE of us need to experience that only makes it worse.

I am sorry you have been so badly abused, that you are suffering so badly because of this abuse and experiencing this history where others decided YOU were not good enough to fit in. I KNOW what that feels like and both me and my older brother experienced that challenge OUR ENTIRE childhoods too. I do have to say that my older brother did fight back, he got an education and learned how to interact in society, he never talks about his history, yet he has tried to be a part of the solution of being a better nicer person. I will say I have a lot of respect for him, yet, there will always be that part of him that endured a lot of abuse that he tries to keep dormant inside him.

This never means that abusers win. Learning to heal is not empowering abusers, it's reaching out, connecting and trying to give a voice to THE PROBLEM. It's going to take time for changes to happen, it just is. We are at a point where we are just really beginning to understand and pay attention to abuse and the affects it has on the brain too. The other thing we are slowly learning to see is how human beings have different wiring in their brains. We are learning about different learning disabilities, about Aspergers, and ADHD, and all the different kinds of ways different human beings are wired. So there is still a lot to understand about human nature yet and how that plays into human behaviors. It's really important to try not to do that "All People" are bad, and I know that is a challenge especially when struggling.