Sigh....you know TheUrOther, with what I have been and am going through right now, even what I experienced just yesterday, it would be so easy for me to embrace your anger and desire to punish and MAKE someone see their wrongs that are hurting me so much.

Honestly, I sat here after hearing what my husband experienced when he tried to arrange with my older sister for me to have "private" time with my dying mother. Her response was "absolutely NOT" and then she proceeded to tell him lies about me, she accused me of doing things I never did. My sister is abusing the power she was given, what she has been doing is NOT anything either one of my parents wanted. She wants to hurt me to satisfy her own unmet needs that have NOTHING to do with me. I don't know HOW she can sit with my mother and hold my mother's hand while she is dying and deny my mother to experience me, because my mother did/does love me. This is not ANYTHING I could EVER do.

My sister is practicing the same thing you keep touting you want to do. She has created resentments in her mind and has embraced hate so much that she literally doesn't see how WRONG her behavior is. I am very hurt and very disappointed and very angry, it's definitely triggering the ptsd in me. Yet, I am NOT going to embrace some desire to hurt her back. That is not who I am as a person. The thing about bullies and abusers is they WANT you to engage because it keeps giving them a chance to hurt you even more, those are NOT the kind of people I want to connect with and befriend. Truth is, I have no respect for those kind of people either, I don't want them in my life either.

I believe that at one point you were a nice person, that these individuals who bullied you and even physically hurt you were "bad" people, and every time you tried to be friendly they only hurt you even more. Yes, there are people that are like that too, I have experienced them during my life and each time I am left with "how can someone be like that". YET, when this kind of person really WINS, is when they get YOU to be like that too. When they get that from you it empowers them with "see I was right that person is a bad person and not worthy".

What I have been learning is that when it comes to a toxic person or what is labelled "narcissists", is that these individuals do not want to KNOW what they are doing that is detrimental and toxic. No matter how much someone is nice to them or TRIES to help them see their dysfunctional behaviors, they simply don't GET IT and can only do things THEIR way and it's mostly about their need to have all the power and control.

My mother said to me at one point, "Your sister is jealous of you OE". I was in my 50's when she said that to me and I honestly did not see it so I was taken back by her saying that to me so matter of fact. I responded to her with, "how can you say that, what on earth does she have to be jealous about?". My mother's answer was, "OE, because you were always not only cute, but you were very social and friendly and talkative and your sister could not do that". I began to feel upset about this, I had loved my older sister and had been friendly and socible to her and I was always nice to her. I never tried to control her either and I really never was a 'counter" where she was always "keeping score". Looking back from where I am now and with what I have been learning, I can see the red flags that I missed. My sister never wanted to share my parents with two younger siblings. She really NEVER got over that and I can see it in a HUGE way now with what she has been choosing to do.

There is a part of me that is angry at my mother because if she did see this, she should have done something about it. What my older sister is doing right now as I am sitting here writing this is she is taking JOY in denying me alone time with my mother so SHE can have it all to herself. She has such a STRONG need to feel that SHE is the better child and most deserving. It's so sad to me that my mother is dying and my sister is sitting there completely controlling her need to HAVE my mother all to herself right up to my mother's very LAST BREATH. That my sister NEEDS everyone to believe that she is the GOOD CHILD and I am the threat and bad. HOW sad it that??????

Actually, reading all your input and desire to punish and withhold and this whole concept of carrots and stick treatement, your resentments and your idea of justice is educating me, BUT, not in the way you think or desire. My older sister is ANGRY and RESENTFUL , and she is choosing to take this out on me.

Truth is, just about every flashback I experience is about that too. It's always about someone taking THEIR ANGER out on me. I am interacting with you here in your thread and everything I say is met with YOU DON'T GET IT and YOU ARE STUPID IF YOU DON'T GET IT, you make it a point to pick out every thing I say and react with YOUR ANGER and need for JUSTICE and PUNISHMENT. I gotta be honest with you, this is something I have experienced many times over in my life and I have so many times where I was raged at too.

Well, no matter how many times you try to convince me, you are NOT going to get me to turn into a BULLY. You have asked about abuse by parents with PTSD, and what I can say is that if a parent is struggling with ptsd and struggles where they blow up in rages at their own child, when they show resentments and they can't really love that child because of their own damage, the product can become a child that carries deep resentments and an obsessive need for control. And people can get hurt by that, innocent people.

Everytime I am exposed to my sister, be it on the phone or in person, it makes me ill. Her presence is SO NEGATIVE to me that I can't stand being around it. She sits there alone, she is looking for sympathy and the reason she IS alone is because of her insistence on punishing and controlling and she blows up if she doesn't get it and she invades people's space to the point where people are repelled by her.

I have shared how I witnessed my older brother constantly being abused and bullied. He had/has ADHD and Dyslexia and he was punished for it, when it was not his fault, just how his brain was wired. He could have turned out to be a bad and mean bully and punish others. But he ended up stepping away from the toxic in his own family and wanted to be different. I was not sure how he would be after my not seeing him for about 20 years. He moved away and got busy in his life with his own family and making his way. We began to interact again because of my parents decline. And one day my brother walked up to me with a deep desire to sit with me to appologize for how he was with me in our childhood. He has been the only one WILLING to express a desire to let me know he regretted and wanted to care enough to talk about it with me. He has made it a point many times to let me know he knew I was and am a nice person too. I also want to add that my parents took my brother to see a psychiatrist because he struggled to sit and pay attention in school. This psychiatrist told my parents "NO coddling for him at all, you much instead constantly dicipline him". This is the WRONG advice and this is what started my father taking him out to a shed and hitting him on his backside with a belt. I was so little and watching that terrified and confused me.

Yesterday I was so hurt and angry about how my sister responded to my husband who wanted to help me get to experience private time alone with my mother. My husband said it was very hard for him to remain calm because of how MEAN AND EVIL my sister was, and what she spewed out. He knows I never did anything she insists on accusing me of doing too. He has witnessed her rage at me and be mean to me too. He hates what he is witnessing. He is disgusted by it. The answer is not to react and turn into a bully.

I am so sorry you have been abused, but to embrace hate and anger is not the answer. All it really does is give bullies and toxic people what they want so they can say you are the bad one in the picture.