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Old 03-16-2019, 08:41 PM
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Rose76 pondering what to do next.
 
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Default Re: Angst, anxiety, fear of what's to come..

I hope you have a bank account of your own that isn't joint with him. If not, get one. That's where your paycheck will need to be deposited. Do not give him any access to it. People don't use checks much these days, but you'll get a debit card with a checking account. You need that. Then don't leave it lying around. Keep your PIN top secret. He may object to anything being strictly yours, but you've got to take a stand. What I've just described is a basic place to start. Every woman needs a bank account in her own name that she totally controls . . . unless you're in some kind of June and Ward Cleaver marriage. Even then, I recommend it. When he asks how much you have in your account, always lie. "But isn't honesty best in a relationship?" No it's not. Not when you're with a guy like you're with.

If he's in the habit of paying some basic household bills, good - let him stay in that habit. You can bet that when he knows you've gotten paid, he's going to have reasons why he needs you to pay for this, that and the other thing. He will just naturally expect that you working means he can expand his beer budget. Don't get suckered. Don't loan him money. It would literally be better to flush cash down the toilet.

This guy's a user. His moms enabled that. Now you've inherited what she created. I won't tell you to leave him. I don't think you can right now. But make a space for yourself. Own something that's yours.

We humans are not designed to be alone. But you can start to untangle yourself from him. Even as part of a "couple," you have to have some boundaries. You don't get them by saying, "Listen Dude; these are my boundaries, and I want you to respect them." Don't waste your breath. The person who has to respect your boundaries is YOU. Assume he won't. Because . . . he won't. (He respects his own though.) So you guard your boundaries, which will be hard . . . till you get in the habit of it.

It doesn't take hard liquor to make a problem drinker. I lived for 7 years with a problem drinker who stuck largely to beer, pretty exclusively. I only left when he started taking my car to bars. Once I left, I was happier. But it took a long time for me to make that decision. We are still a couple. He stopped drinking 3 years after I left.

I'm glad you got your own problem drinking under control. Now you have a job. Things can get better and better for you, if you think in terms of not letting this guy sucker you. You're probably a giver. That's why he's with you. If you were like him, he would dump you. But get out of the "giving" habit. Let him deal with the challenges his bad habits create for him. Don't always be the solution to his latest problem.

Good luck on the new job. If he wakes you up, when you need to sleep, you'll have to give him a consequence. Is there a friend or relative you could stay with briefly, if you need to get away from him? Are there kids involved? When someone's drunk, they don't care much about who needs sleep.

I hope you have some success on some small ways of controlling what's rightly yours - like your paycheck, your sleeping space, etc. Little successes lead to bigger ones. Good luck.
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