Today I failed miserably.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will only take one benzo if I feel withdrawal after 4 day binge.

My mom wanted me to stay until her shift was over because she was afraid people would harass her. I want to protect my mom but I was high and didn't want her to know or anyone else to know so I left. Now I'm sitting here, high.. but the high doesn't feel good anymore.. It feels wrong.. morally now..

Tomorrow I will take vyvanse in the morning and no concerta.. I will be very tired and a little agitated but I will study and finish my essay. Not sure how well I'm going to sleep tonight but I hope I sleep well..

I guess soon I will have to realize that I am an addict and have to count days that I am sober.. I thought I was different and could defeat this problem but I'm just like everyone else.. as we all learn "It won't happen to me", but it does.. The cycle continues to everyone that will ever get addicted.. some will die.. some will live to tell their story.. my story shouldn't exist.. I should be dead.. But here I am.. Living.. life is what it is.. too much to explain about it..

I wish you all a good recovery, use your will power.. the will power that I thought was easy.. but chasing a high is like fighting demons.. they sneak up on you and ruin your life and everyone around you is affected by it..

My mom trusted me with my controlled substances because I wasn't addicted at the time.. I let her down.. I let her and my doctor and treatment team down by buying xanax and ketamine, dmt, mdma... I failed..