I have been asking my T for some time to increase my sessions, and he will not. He says I don't need it. He says that because he doesn't know everything, because if I talk about suicide too much he will let me go, so I don't talk about it.

I finally made an appointment with my family doctor for this week. I am thinking of taking six months off work on disability leave, and then doing a graduated return to work over the following six months. I have been on leave four times before, so I do have mental health history with my insurer.

I wrote my insurance company a two page letter in response to their question "how does your disability prevent you from working?". I gave it to T to read and he doesn't think I need to go off. The thing is, I deleted the paragraphs that all talk about how suicidal I am in his copy. My doctor is getting the original copy with all the details.

I just feel like something in my life is not working and change needs to happen. The longest I've been off before is three months. After I was hospitalized last year I only took eight weeks. I came back to work way too soon and now I'm paying for it.

I don't know how things are going to go if my doctor signs me off and I have to explain to T. I might just tell him I wanted a second opinion (which I'm entitled to) and this is what my doctor felt would be best, and then hope for the best with him. I feel like nothing I do is right anyway so I may as well do what I think I need most.