'Delusions, hallucinations, racing thoughts, rapid speech, severe depression, sleeplessness and agitation beyond belief. '

This is a good description of what I went through. It was so intense and changed almost minute to minute. My mind jumped from scene to scene and I can only describe it as a nightmare I was awake for. The anger and agitation were so strong it seems surreal now. I never once stopped to take a step back and think to myself that I wasn't thinking clearly. I just plowed through as if I knew it was real and true and kept going until I was physically forced to stop. There are pieces of it I felt I had an out of body like experience almost like I was watching myself. There are pieces I cannot remember like a drunken blackout. Some have come back to me over time and some I only know about because my family told me about them.

I'm not too sure how to identify the depression piece though because I've never had any real depression before. My doctor says that's atypical, but it can happen. I didn't feel sad per say, but there was no happiness when the mania kicked in.

I can really relate to the trauma and embarrassment. I remember how I felt 1 month after it happened. I'm better at 4 months, but I still have regular flashbacks that feel incredibly intense. I'm not sure that will ever pass, but I am trying to view them as strong reminders to work hard and do everything I can to stay stable. I let myself re-traumatize a little to remember just how bad it can be and then I lean on my coping skills to pull myself back out again. I can't just forget it and let it lie, so that's the best I can come up with for now.

Thanks for sharing. I am starting to think a mixed episode is exactly what I went through.