I agree with the posters above that it would probably be healthy for you to at least consider a different T, even if you have to get creative in terms of seeing someone at a low-cost clinic, looking for sliding scale, etc. (The Captain Awkward site has some ideas.) I think many of us who have had relationships with abusive people can tell you that it's very possible to like somebody and feel close to them without being able to fully see that they are doing hurtful things that are not in your best interest. I'm not saying your T is abusive, but I do think you should be able to talk to him and expect him to give you what you need (or help you get it yourself) without you constantly having to contort yourself to avoid rejection. I'm tempted to ask if that feeling is familiar, like if you have a parent you had to appease to get their attention or care? It's totally possible to love your T but also recognize that he isn't the right person to be treating you.