My manic episodes are generally fueled by rage but I do experience the rapid speech and hallucinations. And while I generally feel great during those episodes, as in I think I’m the best person on the face of the earth, I also have this dark tenancy to try to ruin my life or even kill myself. I become self destructive beyond a point of return and actually want to push myself into “accidental” suicide. It’s a very mixed feeling, wanting to die but also wanting to believe you’re a god, at the same time. It’s and unfortunately I’m not sure how to stop this. But I believe many of us have these mixed emotions when going through an episode. That’s part of the disorder. Never having just a steady mood.