I find it really troubling that your T won't "let" you talk about your suicidal feelings, and that you're constantly worried (as you've said in other threads) that he's going to "fire" you or "let you go." You don't work for him--he works for you. It sounds like therapy with him is a big source of anxiety and to me that's not how therapy should be at all. I do hope you can find someone else.