I've started threads before about being stressed by my role of caregiving to my terminally ill sig. other. Here's another one.

I don't feel sad. Mainly I've gotten apathetic. This has happened numerous times over the past 5 years, and it has passed. It's a form of depression. Like I just don't care anymore. Not about him . . . not about me . . . not about much. I just waste day after day doing as little as I can.

I'm a believer that a change in one's frame of mind is always set off by something. For 3 weeks my bf has had colitis. It's a side effect of the drug used to treat his cancer. This is a new development, after months of no really bad side effects. This morning I just got sick of dealing with it. Last 2 days, I thought he was better. But this morning, before dawn . . . it's not over at all.

I started thinking, "What has this guy ever done for me that I am here tending to him through all this misery?" We hadn't even been living together for some years because the relationship hadn't been too good. I just felt streaming resentment.

I'm not looking for praise. I don't need pats on the back. (Though a little expression of appreciation from him would be nice. He has always taken me for granted.) But I need to stop wallowing in resentment and demoralization - for my own sake.

I don't have to do this. Much of the time, I've felt that being here with him is what I've wanted. Much of the time I've been fairly content.

This morning, I thought, "I am throwing in the towel." Now I don't feel quite that bad. But I'm still in pajamas and have spent the day on the couch, both of us just staring at the TV. I've napped on and off. I'm just doing as little as possible and that feels fine to me.

Being this lazy can't be good though.

I wonder what others do when all interest goes out the window. Anyone who has recurrent issues with depression probably knows what it's like to feel this way.