Thank you everyone for your responses.

Sarahsweets you definitely have a point on the whole trying to talk myself out of it part. I know there is more to their stories than a 2 minute version can show. In fact one I know more of their story from working at the hospital and while i would never bring it up or act like i know a single bit more about them, i do. But its still not even close to what im dealing with.

Bizi i have a very supportive husband and my dad and his mom both help a little with the kids but no other supports.

Thank you childofchaos, that makes sense that it may be hard to talk about it. I find it helps me to talk about it, its more that it seems to make others uncomfortable. I hope you get through this low point and can enjoy life more again. Are you still sober? And how long if you dont mind me asking.

I have spent the last few days crying and sleeping and im not sure i can take much more of this. Its day 6 sober and I expected some relief by now. I look like death and am definitely having SI at this point. Its passive though so no point in trying to do anything about it. Alcohol would take it away instantly though. Im down to 1 valium, they only gave me 5. Its not enough. Today might be the end of this, its just too hard and I feel too alone. We only have AA tues and fri here otherwise i have to drive an hour or two to get to another one. They gave me a list of their phone numbers but I hate reaching out to people when i dont think they can help anyway