Today week 4 started.

i've been taking benzos the last few days and it helped me so much being calm this morning at work. my supervisor did notice and labelled it as me being tired. i admited to it, but more than tired i was RELAXED. im not sure whether i should keep taking benzos at night to sleep better and continuing being so relaxed at work or not. it was all so very different without anxiety. so much better. i guess i'll keep taking them until i see my T on wed. and until we discuss about it.

i didnt take breakfast this morning as i planned last week for mondays (was late), but i did go to the grocery store at noon and bought the necessary and some junk too.

im not as "excited" or as energetic as last week as the effect of seeing exT is wearing off, but i knew that. im in the middle between week 2 and week 3. its ok. i've learned to accept whatever comes.

also, i dont think im going to even take the test my friend suggested me to take to find a part time and short term job as an educator. i dont feel like studying and i dont feel like eventually having to do with kids. i have done that enough of that in the past and i already use a lot of my patience at my current job. i dont feel like stressing out about some other job which wouldnt be full time and would be only for substitutions too. i prefer focusing my energies on my current job. which is enough for now.

i continue being a selfish bi*ch all the time, but right now i dont have the energy (or the willing) that it takes to change. i hope i'll get back there (altruist) again one day.

right now i'll keep listening to the white noise and i hope i'll get to fall asleep soon as i go to bed.