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Old 03-20-2019, 12:40 PM
Sangromancer Sangromancer is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: Sweden
Posts: 2
Sangromancer Sangromancer is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: Sweden
Posts: 2

Trig How do i keep going? (In desperate need of advice)

Around this time last year i met a guy and we quickly fell in love, or so i thought.
It was my first real relationship as i've suffered from a lot of mental helath problems and been unable to attend school or work for a few years...
I was 19 at the time and things were starting to look pretty good. I was doing major progress in therapy, i had a big group of friends online and a smaller one offline. And i ofc had him, my now ex boyfriend.
Basically everything was pretty good, i was even feeling somewhat ready to go back to school and i didn't constantly want to kill myself.

Then at some point he got really abusive. He didn't hit me or anything he just manipulated me and really got in my head and was just constantly controlling me and making me feel like ****. He also sexually abused me the first time we spent the night together. I didn't realize that until a while after the relationship ended. Even though during the entire experience i was dissociating and felt like ****.
But yeah he basically played on all my insecurities and disorders. He was my only source of validation and i was completely dependant on him. He also told me if i left him he would kill himself so even when it was at it's worst i couldn't leave.
Anyway, the abuse kept on and he was constantly making me feel insecure, not enough, ugly and just doing generally ****ed up thing u can't do in a relationship. Then gaslighting me when i took issue with it and threatened to leave me/told me he thought about cheating on me. Just a bunch of absolutely horrible ****. And at this point i didn't want him to leave because it would basically be the final thing proving that im not good enough, pretty enough, cis enough etc etc.

When girls commented on his very public instagram he would always give a flirty reply. I was used to this and put up with it cuz i was scared of his reaction when i objected. And it wasn't like one of my friends could say anything because he made me keep our relationship a secret (probably because im trans and he was ashamed.) But at some point he started talking to this one girl a lot. First it was in the comments of his insta, then it was DM, then it was snap and then they were gonna meet. It wasn't something he tried to hide obv cuz why would he need to anyway. I was stuck with him.
She was absolutely ****ing gorgeous, and he would constantly let me know.
Shortly after all that he broke up with me. And shortly after that, he was dating her.

After the break up i just completely broke down. Since then i've spent most of my time in hospitals due to very serious suicide attempts and i just don't know how to keep living.
I feel like the ugliest, most worthless, disgusting creature on this planet. And all the sick programming he did to my mind won't go away.
I was just a placeholder for someone better/more attractive. He never loved me. He just wanted to try me out because i was different. And he was willing to lie and abuse to do it.
I don't think i can live like this. I feel like he's the best i'll ever get even though he was pure ****ing evil. I feel like he won.
Not to mention all the progress i have made is gone. Completely. It's even worse than before. He even took most of the friends i had even though they knew what he did.
I'm completely alone with all these intrusive thoughts and painful memories.

WTF do i do?

Last edited by Anonymous59786; 03-20-2019 at 12:48 PM. Reason: added trigger
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