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Old 03-20-2019, 02:18 PM
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Default Re: internalized homophobia

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones View Post
I just don't really have anything in common with women, other than shared body parts. I mean, other than acknowledging that I do in fact have female body parts, I'm not comfortable identifying as a "woman" although I do anyway because that's what is expected. My body naturally produces significantly more male hormones than usual or at least has in the past (no idea if I have internal male organs or not or if I'm intersexed in any way). I have trouble understanding female perspective because that's NOT how I think. I tend to have a male mind, maybe even a more male personality? I'm not completely masculine in a traditional sense, but still... And most queer women I know about around here are hardcore feminists. Which makes sense, but it's just awkward for me because of gender identity. I'm also not comfortable with using different pronouns or a preferred name, so I have an additional disadvantage...everyone is so SUPER confident in their gender identity etc., why the hell would they want me around? I don't like overly confident people, they're all bullies.

And my only sexual experience has been with men. At best it's boring or only about the other person's pleasure or they get off too soon and I only get to experience pleasure for a few seconds. At worst it's painful and humiliating (not in a good way). It's all about what they want and never being comfortable with anything I would enjoy (and it's basic stuff that isn't that out there!). It seems like straight men are so terrified of being gay that they demand to be tops all the time...and I'm not really a bottom, so it's frustrating.

Back to queer women though, they're either married or seem to be really uncomfortable around me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

There is definitely a lot to unpack here. So there is some possible gender stuff going on with you as well, which obviously contributes to all this. Aside from these forums, I strongly suggest in-person counseling and/or support groups. Maybe inquire with the closest LGBTQ center to you. Do you live in or near an urban/suburban area that has one?

Aside from that, I can guarantee you there are a number of queer women who have a stronger sense of "masculinity" and/or higher levels of male hormones than the average biological female. You are far from alone in that. I suspect that your limited exposure to queer women plays a part in feeling otherwise. As part of being kind and patient with yourself, remind yourself of this fact when you are around other women. So maybe the queer women you have been around are just not "butch" themselves or only feel a stronger kinship with femme women. (I do not presume that you place yourself into a butch category, I just use the term for the sake of my statement.)

So, as far as personal attraction goes, what "types" of women catch your eye? And to what degree is the attraction (in comparison to men)? I just am trying to get a sense of who you are and the actual directions you lean. If you prefer not to answer, I understand. I am not trying to push you into anything, specifically.
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