Today was a pretty calm and good day. work went by smoothly, and with that i mean that nothing bad happened, i dont mean that it doesnt take much effort, because it does take a lot of effort even when things are apparently simple. im just more aware of the toll it takes on my body and mind, so i tend to not work my *** off, and still with my full focus on it, i just do the minimum required. im still very insecure but i hope this feeling will leave soon.

as i told my T today, the meds i've re-started taking are helping a lot keeping me calm and with a lot of less anxiety. i'll keep taking them until i feel more calm and secure by myself. they also help me feeling more rested in the morning.

in T session we also talked about my routine and my food habits. i've told her i gained some weight and im not at all happy about it but, as i said, thats the best i can do at least for now. i try hard to eat as less as i can but i just cant stop myself. i actually have nothing else but food to help me going.

we also talked about how my core BPD is still there, even if i eliminated the typical behaviors. im glad she can see under the surface and see that im still (internally) struggling a lot. she said that even just my re-start with meds shows that im not doing much better if i feel i need them to function. i guess she's right.
as for the relationships i told her how any relationship i have is superficial and i never open up with anyone IRL.

i dont know how/why but we talked a bit about how /through a friend) and why (to get a diagnosis) i came to her the first time (dec '15). it was nice talking abot that since i dont remember doing it before. i think its the first time i told her i had stopped my meds since May '15 to feel worse and having this lead to death. she objected that i really seemed desperate (i showed her a paper with "help" written with my blood) and wanting and looking for help. i had to admit to that. i really and sincerely was desperate and wanted help. but i also said that as for most of the things in my life, i long to have/get something but when i do achieve it, i dont want it anymore. (i guess this happens to a lot of people).

i told her i feel calmer and less excited about creating a routine. i guess it means its sinking in without me having to force one. the excitement about being the architect of my life after seeing exT is fading away. im glad i'll see Him again in about 1 month.

as planned, today was shower day at my home, but today i wasnt alone there. my dad came there to help me with a few works that still needed to be done in my new flat. we didnt get to do everything, but he got to do a lot of useful stuff. it was nice having him there with me. at least with that, he shows me he does care, while through his words he seems bothered by me all the time). he will probably come again next wed. tonight i came at my parents' because i bought them dinner to celebrate yesterday's father's day. it went fine and im glad im with them now.

only 2 days at work left. cant wait for friday night, even though nothing amazing will happen. just dinner with my friend and 2 days of rest from work, but its enough to motivate me to finish the week at work. i still dont feel bad enough to go back to the clinic, but a part of me hopes it will happen soon. i'll try lowering the other med im taking. it would be good for my physical wellness too. and maybe it will lead me to the clinic again. i miss that and i miss just feeling bad as in my worst days.