Forums at Psych Central - View Single Post - internalized homophobia
View Single Post
Old 03-20-2019, 03:02 PM
Skull&Crossbones's Avatar
Skull&Crossbones Skull&Crossbones is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 280
Skull&Crossbones Skull&Crossbones is offline
Member
Skull&Crossbones's Avatar
Skull&Crossbones has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 280

1 yr Member
Default Re: internalized homophobia

There is a non-binary/transgender group where I live, but when I attended in the past, I didn't feel trans+ enough. Everyone in non-binary category past as androgynous. I have a very effeminate face and a large chest so even with short hair and neutral/more masculine clothes I don't think I even pass as queer let alone masculine. I also don't fit in because I'm not planning on medically transitioning any time soon and maybe never and I shouldn't have to in order to at least have people close to me see me for who I am, but maybe I do. So, I'm basically a fraud and certainly don't belong in a trans+ group.

As for attraction, I'm pretty attracted to androgyny regardless of body parts. With women, I'm much more likely to be attracted to physical aspects before even getting to know them that well and with men, the only time pure physical attraction happens is when the guy looks like I would like if I were a guy or I'd simply like to be that guy. Otherwise, I develop feelings for men when they do something nice for me and/or interact with me. Then I usually try to imagine sex with them or do something to make the attraction more sexual. I apparently have a pretty high sex drive even though I try to ignore it so I can get through my days without too much distraction, so if men are the only option to take care of it then I have to make it work. I think I did become sexually attracted to my last male partner, but I don't think I could usually get as aroused as I could with porn, but I thought that was normal.

ETA: I'm also not really interested in foreplay, especially with a man (I was turned off by the thought of receiving oral from a man before even having sexual experience and having experience has NOT changed my mind). I mean, I'll give (no problem with that) but I don't want to receive. Don't see a point. I much rather sex just be intercourse and call it good so no one's wasting any time. I should be any guy's dream! They can exert exactly zero effort instead of "trying" to do something for me. I might be more open to receiving with a woman simply because it hasn't been ruined for me yet, but then again, I still fail to see the point. No matter what anyone does, I'm never going to orgasm and I see no point if it's impossible. I'll just go watch porn and take care of it myself (because I can actually give myself an orgasm pretty much every time and usually with little to no effort.) and not become frustrated and resentful towards the other person. I just don't see sex as anything good...all it does is ruin a good relationship by making me resent that person who can have tons of orgasms with no effort and I have to take care of myself so I can have an orgasm EVER.

Everyone wants to cuddle and touch constantly too. I don't like building intimacy through touch because touch is usually too unfamiliar and overwhelming and then touch is withheld to punish me after I'm stupid enough to grow attached. When am I going to learn that touch is a weapon? I'd be fine with it if it could be used to get me off then leave me alone and stop trying to manipulate me by pretending to be affectionate towards me. People don't respect that you don't want to be constantly touched and take it personally.

Last edited by Skull&Crossbones; 03-20-2019 at 03:44 PM.
Skull&Crossbones is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says: