Saw my pdoc at 10am. He was concerned about my levels of agitation and anxiety and what they compel me to do so he suggested IP. I want to try alternative options as I hate IP and only got out of my last horror admission (the episode was horror not the staff) six weeks ago. He gave me a script for a strong benzo to deal with the anxiety and requested I take Haldol. I thought my pharmacy was holding all my meds but they had thrown out my Haldol as I was not currently using it. So they sent a message to my pdoc to fax the script. It is 2.30pm and he has not got back to them. I hope it comes through soon as I need relief.

If I am not feeling calmer by tomorrow he wants me to contact him and I will go IP once a bed is available. My pdoc told me we would get through this as I despair another episode and feel I cannot handle anymore. I fear for my life if these meds don't work ASAP. I went for a swim to try and lift my mood and burn some rage off. I felt better for a bit but am drowning again. Why do I keep getting mixed episodes so often? I have a great pdoc who fights to help me and is very skilled. Mixed episodes are notoriously hard to treat. I can't live like this and I don't know how to escape.