I'd find myself struggling in almost any kind of interaction with people that wasn't personal. It's almost as if the only language I know is personal conversation, talking about life problems, etc. Everything else is very hit or miss.

It sucks because I miss out on a lot of small talk. Can't crack jokes, can't flirt, can't talk about interests much. I feel very uncultured for some reason, like I just don't know anything about anything. It's insane just how much I struggle trying to say something. I find myself unable to respond or react to what people do sometimes. They'd crack a joke, I don't find it funny, and I just stand there, unsure of what to say without coming off as awkward.

It's gotten to the point where I feel this is something that can only be handled by just flat out analyzing what people say, and repeating it. Almost in a very fake way, just parroting. A lot like learning your sales script for work.

"Hello, hope you found everything well today. Is there anything I can assist you with today?"

Life's literally just a bunch of lines being memorized. Except, for me, it's as if I don't have any of that for anything.

And sure, I've actually gotten by, actively memorizing things I liked from other people. A lot of times where I just regurgitated things people said.

Is this seriously just all life is? This feels so abnormal.

What sucks is, where I stand right now, it feels as if I'm missing so much that sometimes it feels hopeless. Especially when you see others just naturally doing what they do. Talking, enjoying their company, living.

I don't get how I'm able to type these words, these don't feel like scripts. These feel a lot more genuine. At least nowhere near as much as trying to say other things. Certain behaviors, mannerisms that I've learned, those things sometimes don't feel natural at all, because I know where I got them from. They're not me.

Maybe I'm overanalyzing that. But. I just feel so lost in this.

I feel like I'm missing so many pieces from my social skills.