I always think about my options. I feel very anxious if I dont have a way out in place for when Im ready. I also feel very strongly that it will be the way I exit the world. People try to convince me otherwise but I feel like I have just accepted my fate. I feel almost obsessed with thinking about past and future attempts even when I am doing relatively well.

This is obviously very bad though because my compulsion hits fast and last time was extremely close because I had everything ready. It didnt work luckily but did end in lifeflight and a month IP with a week on a constant cardiac monitor. This is a very dangerous way to live.

I completely agree with BirdDancer though and I am at least going to write this on my list for my next pdoc appt. I guess it just feels so normal now that I dont think of it as a problem and it will be hard trying to change something like this. I hope you will also consider trying to work on the thoughts whether or not that includes more meds.