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LostOnTheTrail
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Default Mar 21, 2019 at 08:02 AM
 
Today's session, in which I discussed playing Jenga with my therapist...



Today’s session provided much needed breathing space. R arrived and immediately asked whether I would like a hug.



We sat down and I thanked her again for her email.



‘You are more than welcome. It’s been a tough week?’



I gathered myself and explained that my mum had gone back to work today, after doing her back whilst on a First Aid course. ‘Fear and pain on top of pre-existing pain and fear.’



‘Yes. If you are going to do it, what better place. Is this a recurring issue?’



I gave a little background, and then mentioned that I had made it into work on Saturday.



‘Good. You sound quite proud that you went.’



‘It was almost like an out of body experience. Somebody from the care company came and dropped me off, but I don’t usually have to navigate. There was a wrong turn involved, and it happened to be 20 second video interview day.’



R asked what the purpose of the video interview was. I explained that we had to talk about our experiences at work, and the aims of the project. She said that twenty seconds didn’t seem very long.



‘I don’t really know what happened. I’ve purposefully asked not to see the footage, because I know that if I do, I will want to reshoot it.’

R commented that my remark about navigating gave her a really good insight into the impact of recent events. ‘Is it about the emotional impact or Mum not being able to help as much as she usually does?’



‘All of the above.’



I remarked that the problem with the phrase ‘It will be OK’ is that it doesn’t leave room for the present moment not being OK.

‘What will be OK? Mum’s back, the situation…it’s almost like a shutdown.’



‘Yes.’



R and I talked some more about my experience at work, when one of the young people wrote a piece on parental illness in response to one of our exercises. I explained that I wanted to leave the room, but as a member of staff I could not.

She asked what I would have done if I hadn’t been staff, and I acknowledged that I probably would have left the room, but under ordinary circumstances it would have been easier to handle.

Then I updated her on the FLT situation.



‘I was going to ask, but thought I would let you bring it up in your own time.’



‘We told the young people about it, and got mixed reactions. One person is already involved in a drama group there, and another young person wasn’t comfortable with performing there. I cut in and reassured that it would just be a normal session, at which point my boss said that was what we needed to talk about.’

The young people left and we had our meeting. One of my colleagues immediately said they didn’t feel comfortable putting me in that situation unless I wanted to.

I told her that I had asked my colleagues afterwards why doing the right thing sometimes feels like doing the wrong thing. R asked what I meant, and I explained that I feel like I should go. R suggested that we reframe it, and said that by not going, I am opening up an opportunity for my colleagues to give a really good workshop. ‘I am not saying that you aren’t an integral part of the team, but if they are constantly wondering whether you are OK…’



‘I like who I am when I am at work, and being at the FLT takes away up to 70 or 80% of that capacity.’

I said that I could still provide an exercise, but there is no sense in putting myself at risk.



‘And that’s where I am with that.’



I paused and R said that she thought I had dealt with it really bravely.

I continued to say that I felt like I was playing Jenga.



‘I have only played once, but…’



R said that with Mum’s back, she sensed my tower is really wobbling. 'In addition to the pressure you're under trying to deal with everything else.' I explained that the first time I played with a friend, I was almost holding the tower up. R seemed to find the analogy really useful, and asked me what happens when the tower falls.

‘What is your reaction? I immediately want to go “Oh, no!”’



I paused to show her a new poem in which I said I flinched at loud noises, even if I am the one making them. She commented on how I had encapsulated everything we had talked about in the session so far.

‘I can hide behind poetry for the rest of my life.’



R asked me whether I felt as though I was hiding. I said that there was a sense in which trying to find the perfect word for a feeling overtook actually feeling it.

Returning to the Jenga analogy, R said that she could well imagine me trying to hold it up ‘But if the tower falls, and you want to continue the game, what needs to happen?’

‘You need to rebuild the tower.’



‘And when it is rebuilt, it is stronger.’



R then asked whether I wanted to play Jenga with her. ‘I’ve never thought about it before, but with the strength of the metaphor you’ve given us, if it wouldn’t make you feel too unsafe…’



‘Stanger things have happened.’



I asked whether we could sit on the idea, and she told me to let her know.

I talked about how my anxiety over the last week had been coming out as irritability.



‘Things that wouldn’t normally annoy you have?’



‘Yes, and on top of everything else. It’s like we were saying last week. I don’t need anything else in that cupboard, and when things happen, it’s like people taking blocks.’ At some point it dawned on me that the tower needs to fall to continue the game.

‘When a wound or something happens, you don’t just leave it. You clean it out.’



‘Then it heals well.’



‘But the cleaning hurts.’



R asked whether I was OK to leave it there, and apologised that we were somewhere deep towards the end.



‘Are you OK, Lost?’



‘I…’



‘Not a trick question.’



‘I am going to take this to my journal.’



We scheduled for the 26th, and R warned me that she will be away the week of the 15th.

__________________
'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Thanks for this!
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