Lately, every conversation my partner and I have becomes a fight. At least, according to him. Any time I try to express my feelings or discuss something that has any amount of seriousness to it, he says “I’m not fighting with you” and walks off.

It makes me feel very unheard. He is depressed and will often be incredibly short or downright mean to me. I have BPD and struggle with my mood too, but I don’t ever use that as an excuse to be mean. He’s said horrible things to me and justified it as “a fight” so he can say what he wants. And if those hurt my feelings, I’m the one the blame.

Recently, he told me he’s going back to work after being off for disability for over a year. He told me he’d only go back if he could take a job where he’s gone 2-3 weeks at a time. From personally experience, I know this won’t work for me. I don’t want someone I see maybe once a month. I’ve done that. I couldn’t force myself to be okay with it. It’s not that it’s him. It’d be anyone. So I told him that I support him in doing what will make him happy. If being gone makes him happy, I think he should do it. But I don’t know if it’s something I will be able to do long term in the relationship. He lashed out and told me I was dictating his life and that i am asking him to sacrifice his happiness. He then refused to talk to me at all and hasn’t for two days.

Somehow this is my fault? Because I know what I can’t live with? When I met him, that was one of the things I told him. I got divorced for that reason. My ex was gone 4 days, home 3, gone 3, home 4. I just... couldn’t make it work. Being left home to man the fort and still work full time was maddening. I felt alone but I was married. And even though I had friends, I wanted my husband. I didn’t want the money. I wanted a warm body. I needed that support.

And so— now I am faced with the potential end to this relationship. And somehow it’s my fault. Because I am dictating a life. When all I’m trying to do is dictate mine and preventing what I know will make me incredibly unhappy.

My therapist said I should tell him to take the job and just tell him we’ll see how it goes. But I feel like if he does... I don’t want him in my life. There are very few things I am selfish about but I know what will trigger me and being in a relationship with an absent partner is a huge trigger.

I need some neutral insight here.