I SO relate to this. Thanks for the post. I am 66...grandma...all those thoughts you had...I had...sometimes still do but...I try just to remember that dying is something we all do, I'm not going to miss it if I hang around, even if there are times when it feels all too painful for reasons I cannot even begin to explain (not being "rational")---also, the fact that my brother killed himself let me know just how devastating that is to others even if in the moment you truly believe it will be "better for them" or that no one cares or that you are too awful.....