Thread: Week #4
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sinking
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Member Since: Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
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Default Mar 21, 2019 at 02:23 PM
 
Today was quite ok, i suppose. work went quite smoothly today too.

i feel kind of stupid keeping writing here about my days since im basically talking alone but i need it. it helps with my routine, it helps with getting things out and noticing some things that would pass overlooked while i can get some teachings from my own words and from noticing some small stuff i would not see if i didnt write here so i'll continue, i guess.

thing is, my problem here is that (HUGE discolsure - mentioned only a bit with my T last session), some years ago i used to be a member of another forum that now is closed. i used to post there for a few years. i was VERY active every day and even though i would post about myself too, i preferred helping others. i must admit, helping others was easier than talking about myself and it made me feel good seeing i was being helpful and important to someone. i used to "save" people with huge problems. i would look for the people who needed help the most and provide them with all i could give. with all my heart. i've really heard the worst things. some things i could just not believe that they could be even possible. i really have heard the most disturbing and unthinkable things. i tried to help everyone. i even made some friends and we would talk with private emails a lot. at least for the first 3-4 years. then slowly it was taking a huge toll on me, especially talking with 1-2 persons in particular so i slowly let them go. only one person is still now my online friend from that forum. others, were sucking out of me all of my energies. i was very torn and very anguished. both about staying and leaving, but in the end i backed off. those were the most beautiful and fulfilling years in my whole life but also the very worst and suffered and tormented too. it was SO hard. i cant even explain how hard it was. i was so scared, hurt and torn. people, friends there, would really touch me and hurt me SO much.
thats why im SO scared of it happening again here in this forum. and why i only reply to a very few threads here, where and when i feel safe doing so. im scared of getting involved with all my soul again. im scared of people hurting me and of hurting people in turn. i have suffered so much for so long that now im scared of everything and everyone and thats also why i only have 1 friend IRL. i have eliminated most of my relationships and have kept them at the minimum and only if i feel comfortable. i feel i have so much to give, but im too scared to let myself do it. maybe and hopefully i'll be able to do it again in the future. for now it would be too much for me.

i hope someone understands what im talking about and why im such a selfish bi*ch here. im so sorry for that. i hope i'll be able to change again.

anyway. today the high i was in last week has started to fade away. i see it happening more and more as every day passes. the meds that were doing magic, arent giving me the same effects anymore. i've actually been feeling very sad and feeling like crying for no apparent reason. out of the blue at work. its ok, i knew it would happen, i accept that, but i just had to acknowledge it. positive: i feel proud and satisfied for myself for writing down the grocery list for next week. lists help me so much. i love making lists. it gives me some sense of order and if things are already defined i feel better, safer, prepared. i love feeling prepared.

im glad tomorrow is last day at work for this week. it has passed quicker than last week. maybe because i had a good break Yesterday night at my parents'. i hope tomorrow goes as fast as today and i'll be able to enjoy dinner with my friend and then the weekend.

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* Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads
* Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom
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