Because you are a biological female, you know what feels good, what parts of the body respond in certain ways to specific stimulations. How you accomplish the stimulation is up to the people involved. All in all, I am hearing a lot of anti-sex sentiment from you, and it is probably better for you to not even try to pursue sexual relations with anyone until you work through some of that, otherwise, sex might just become more and more a negative thing. I mean, why bother even obsessing about sex if your experiences just paint it in a bad light, you don't believe you will ever orgasm with someone else, etc. It just doesn't seem worth it. If you can feel sexually satisfied with masturbation, then just stick to that. You might even be on the asexual spectrum and not really realize it and what you need is simply positive interpersonal relationships and not sexual ones. Perhaps a sexologist might be helpful, if regular therapy isn't.