My Support Forums - View Single Post - I got some things to discuss with my therapist.... (TRIGGER WARNING)

Findingreason · 01:18 PM

So I've been running from my past for a good 10-20 years, in an effort to escape from the pain of things I do not want to remember. It subtly affects me on a daily basis. Recently I decided it was time to stop running away. It's killing me though. A little bit every day. I am remembering more and more things I don't want that happened directly to me or indirectly. Still feeling like I have more uncovering to do. Please know that sharing this in this board is extremely difficult and at points triggering for me. I'll list below what is disturbing me.

TRIGGER WARNING:

Possible trigger:

My mom discovered I was transgender when I was 19 years old, and she quarantined me in her car in a ride and proceeded to accuse me of being a bad influence on my siblings, essentially a freak of society, and worst of all accused me of being a pedophile. This has affected me for 11 years now and I have felt I am some dangerous horrible person. It is taking a long time to work through this, and I know I would never harm anyone but it harms me nonetheless.
My dad had me believing that the apocalypse was upon us and the devil would force people to accept chip implants; if we didn't we would be killed. If we did god would send us to hell for eternity. I was caught in this between 12-14 years old.
I was in the vicinity when my dad groped a sibling of mine when I was a teen. I was terrified and was more terrified for my sibling.
My dad also "helped" showing me how to "wash" my genitals at about the age of 5-7 years old.
I learned that my dad attempted to stab some girl to death when he was young. Later on he was going to kill his boss and turned himself into the psych ward. Then in the 80s he was going to attempt to kill his ex-wife to my understanding when he told me...
I've had encounters with a predator and thankfully nothing happened to me at that point...he was going to pay me for sex and said he liked me.

I have also had horrible feelings that some more stuff has happened I cannot remember. I see my therapist for a two hour session on Monday. I need it badly. I'm scared of my dad. I'm scared of him badly. I grew up thinking my life was normal, when in fact it was not. It's killing me inside and I have had several flashbacks over this last week, along with severe anxiety and fear. I'm not really looking for advice, but just acknowledgement or affirmation. It's all really difficult for me right now. I need to know I am going to be okay and come out of this okay.