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Old 03-22-2019, 11:55 AM
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SilverTrees SilverTrees is offline
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SilverTrees is wishing everyone peace and hope.
 
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

Hello Lying Eyes,

sorry you and your girlfriend are having this problem. You said other aspects of the relationship are good...would it be accurate to infer from that there are no other boundary issues...they pertain only to bodily autonomy and sex? Those are hugely important boundaries to be respected so I am curious if the boundary issue appears in other ways? Suggesting what you may and may not wear...or who you may and may not talk to? Or taking belongings or money without asking....taking food off your plate? Those are just random examples, boundary issues could present in many different ways.

If you feel that it pertains to your body and sex specifically, you can try saying something like:
"I love you and it is wonderful to know that you are attracted to me and want to be close. I also want to show my attraction and be close. There are many ways to do that. We each bring our own ideas and feelings to the relationship and I think that is beautiful. We also need to each respect the other's needs and feelings. When I indicate to you that I don't want you to________ and you do it anyway, I feel unsafe and disrespected. If a man walked into our living room one day and suddenly grabbed your ________, how would you feel? I don't think you'd like it. That's not just because he's a stranger, it's because he did not have consent to touch you and he violated your bodily autonomy. Partners need to honor each other's bodily autonomy just as much as strangers do. Have you ever heard pregnant women complaining about strangers stroking their bump? It's the same issue, nobody should touch them without consent. Being very obviously pregnant does not negate the need for consent."

If you feel strongly that the two of you are both willing to work on this, you could certainly talk through the issues with an experienced therapist. I'm just concerned that you already had the dialogue with her and she doesn't seem to be respecting your wishes. That's a serious issue. In my opinion, the reason she's not respecting your boundaries is less relevant than the fact that she's violating your wishes. The underlying reason would be for her to figure out with a therapist if she actually wanted to. I don't get a sense that she's taking ownership. The crying response sounds manipulative though obviously I don't know you gf. For you, you simply need her to comply with your wishes. If she will not comply, I would recommend you step back and take time to think things over by yourself. If I met someone who seemed great in every other regard except that they didn't respect my bodily autonomy, I'd be thinking perhaps they weren't so great after all.

Feel free to share more. I wish you peace.

Last edited by SilverTrees; 03-22-2019 at 12:09 PM.
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