You know what, maybe it isn't any of this other stuff I've been speculating about. Maybe it's just that we never had any goals or plans down on paper about this whole process and the never knowing where in the world I was in my 'process' was the whole problem. I know I found a lot of healing along the way and came to know myself a lot better but there was never any measurable anything - I couldn't stand the unknown timetable, the lack of a map with clear points along the way, or something. That's my overriding feeling right now. This other stuff, symptoms of that greater issue.
eta: i also wish i did not feel like i owe you coming back once to say goodbye.