Anxiety OCD depression

1st therapy appointment: Anxiety hit the roof. It was in an unfamiliar location. It was at night. I get anxious driving so my partner took me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to drive there because the roads are only side parking and that terrifies me. I had anxiety thinking I hit the wrong button on the elevator. I had anxiety in the elevator thinking it would stop working and I would be stuck on it. I had anxiety thinking I hit the wrong floor button even though I hit the 2nd floor. I had anxiety once I got to the floor because it was so late and nobody was in the building. I had anxiety once I saw my therapist for the first time. I tried not judging her because she’s a nice lady but I don’t think she’s the right match for me. She has a hunched back and glass eyes. I automatically had anxiety from her. I cried my entire session which felt good but I felt like I didn’t get out anything in those 45 minutes I had. I felt like I needed to wash my hands and body the entire time in the room because I felt dirty. I felt like I smelt like that room after I left.

2nd therapy appointment: I’ll give her another chance. Anxiety wasn’t as bad because this session was in the morning. Anxiety was bad because I still needed my partner to drive. I thought she was mad and that’s all I could think in the back of my head. I couldn’t stop picking my chin apart because of it. Anxiety was still bad because I thought I pressed the wrong elevator button. Inside the elevator there was a sign saying that something would stop working on today’s date and all I could think about was the elevator breaking. My therapist told me that was for the residents who also live in that building. I arrived at the wrong time because in my head I thought it was set for 8am but it was 845am. I sat on the couch picking my face more. I still don’t think I got much out from the session. The sessions feel short and I feel like I’m not getting the advice I need. I feel like I’m staring at her glass eyes and I can’t tell her that’s why I’m distracted. She also started drooling and I couldn’t look away. It fell from her mouth and down her shirt and she didn’t wipe it or realize it was happening.

Am I horrible? I know I need a therapist who I can feel connected to. I want to feel refreshed after a session and all I feel right now is like throwing up. Ugh.