Quote:
Originally Posted by cureav
Hi everyone!
I realised this statement a few relationships before.
Yes I find all the girls that I've been with before special, unique, but the lengths I go to ignore my own needs are unimaginable. I am not talking about drugs or those damaging relationships... I'd not tolerate that or stay in that kind of relationship, but whenever I come into a new relationship, my needs shrink to 10 percent and I let space her needs, wishes, expression of herself... to 90% of our total time and energy.
I go to great lengths in order to let the relationship work and last. It mostly goes to my expenses and then I ask myself, could I really be with any girl who I'm so loyal, patient,...
The cause to all of this I've found in one article:
"The Child of a Narcissistic Parent: Why Don’t I Meet My Needs?"
Currently I'm in a 3 year long relationship.
Yes, all people tolerate and be around others who are not much demanding, give attention, are responsible,.... that's me. But I am raised to care what others say and my personality is very flexible to needs of others.
I hate it cause I am always the last one to myself.
Sometimes I don't care if the relationship breaks cause I know that I wouldn't need to cater other people's feelings and needs so much. In that case it would be more energy left for myself.
Lastly, It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship cause I'll make it work at my own expenses and without a clue if I even really want to do that.
I would appreciate if someone has something to a person like me to say, if someone sees the fault in my brain software.
Thanks a lot!
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Hello Cureav. Thank you for sharing your truth. That's not easy to do!
I don't think there is a "fault" in your brain software. You mentioned, if I understood you correctly, that you were raised by at least one narcissistic parent. So, you developed certain habits and behaviors in order to function and survive in that environment. You could very well have carried those same behaviors into your adult relationships and they may not be serving you well. However, there is always hope!
You are not broken or faulty or doomed. Our brains are tremendous organs of highly sophisticated biochemical engineering. Any good neuroscientist will tell you that we've barely touched the surface of what the human brain can do. So, if you learned behaviors and habits which are not ideal for your adult self, you can learn new ones! Truly.
Are you talking with an experienced therapist about these concerns? I think that could really help you.
I would gently caution you against making predictions such as:
"It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship cause I'll make it work at my own expenses and without a clue if I even really want to do that."
Read about self-fulfilling prophecies. They are real and honestly quite dangerous. There is a lot of research indicating that if I tell myself I'll never be happy or never develop a healthy relationship, happiness and healthy relationships are significantly less likely due to my own bias and predictions.
When the problem is endeavoring to please others too much and forgetting to honor and respect the Self, I think the best place to start is with the Self. Take an extended period of time away from any dating or romantic relationships. Start building a strong and lasting relationship with yourself. Hobbies. Platonic friends. Work. Volunteering. Physical exercise. Nutrition. Sleep. Meditation etc.
I believe that once you have a firmly established relationship with your Self, you will be in a good position to start partnering with someone else (who has also done the same work on their own Self).
I hope this helps. Please be kind and patient with yourself. Please don't tell yourself that you have a faulty brain. I wish you peace and a bright future!