*hugs* - Ohseedee

First, happy birthday! I hope, despite what you're feeling, that you're able to find some way to treat yourself to something nice today. Everyone deserves something good on their birthday!

Second, I've been struggling with similar feelings too. I'm 45... I feel like I had "potential" but came from a dysfunctional family (with a good dose of trauma thrown in), and that my life has been all about dealing with that, in one way or another. Sometimes, I didn't even realize that's what I was doing - but it was clearly influencing who I was and how I interacted with the world. And, I'm still dealing with it (it has also influenced my ability to really get help, I think, as I've had terrible experiences with therapy, and just recently had another abrupt ending).

It makes me sad. I'm struggling with depression right now, and I feel like all of my energy goes to just maintaining my life, not moving forward (i.e. making sure I have healthy food, keeping the house clean, trying to get some sort of exercise done, doing laundry, dealing with things that break in the house, etc.) It shouldn't take literally everything I have to just keep my head barely above water, but it feels like it does... and who has the time/energy after that to do anything fun, or anything that would actually help you reach bigger goals. It makes me so sad... like... horribly abysmally sad. Unspeakably sad.

On top of that, my job is pretty "meh". I put a lot of focus and energy in to school, to try to do well at life (and because I enjoyed it) - and it's disappointing that *this* is where I ended up.

So, I get it. And I feel really sad that you're feeling something similar.

But, I want to leave you with some sense of hope too. You're not even 30 yet! Lots and lots of people get off to a slow start. My sister dropped out of college, twice, and worked at a low-paying job for years before going back, first for an associates degree, but working her way up to a law degree. (When she passed the bar, we joked that if you had looked at her in high school or right after, you would have NEVER predicted she'd go in to law. It was so far from anything she seemed likely to do!) She was the oldest one in her classes at law school, but... now she's a lawyer and even though her job is hard, she has a pretty good life with amazing friends that she met in school, works with now, and are like family to her.

Maybe another way to think about it is this: everybody has stuff to deal with, at some point in their life. Sometimes it's physical stuff, sometimes mental. You've dealt with a ton already, and while it makes it *look* like you're behind, in reality, you're ahead by dealing with that stuff first. At some point, some of the people that you're in school with will have their own stuff to deal with - and that will slow them down then.

You're also "ahead" in the sense that by having dealt with your own stuff, you have an edge - you understand yourself and how your brain works better than they likely understand themselves. At some point, I bet that will be helpful. (And, if you're going into counseling/social services - I bet your experiences will give you a much deeper base to draw on when you work with clients!)

All of this has made me realize just how much context and luck play in our success. Hard work is important too, of course, but if you're born with a hundred pound anvil figuratively tied around your neck, you're got a lot *more* work to do to be "successful" than someone who comes from a loving, supportive, and sane family. It sucks, but it's reality. All we can really do is try to make the most of what we've got, figure out what things are important to us, and work to move toward them - no matter what age we are.

Good luck with your studies! *hugs* (Sorry for being so long-winded!)