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Old 03-23-2019, 12:18 PM
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Default Re: Scared to tell parents we want a family

Hello Foo Fighter. First, I love your profile name and pic. I like to imagine that the penguin enjoys listening to the Foos

I am sorry you are in this very uncomfortable situation. What you are dealing with here are some major boundary issues. Not okay! Nobody in your family has a right to dictate when or how you procreate. Trust me. That is WILDLY inappropriate. Sure you love your family and want them to be happy but your sister's wedding and your mother's anxiety are irrelevant to your pregnancy plan. Babies have a habit of showing up when they feel like it, not always according to a planned schedule. Yes, it could take quite a while for you to conceive or you may be surprised. I've had several friends who experienced that and everything turned out fine

The discussions only need to be between you and your husband. I would recommend not discussing with anyone else for the time being. A lot of people don't tell anyone until ~ the 3rd month of pregnancy. Though of course these are very personal decisions...different for everyone. I just think at this stage if you limit the # of people you tell, the less Qs/comments/potential drama you will face.

The only reason your mother would have to comment is if you were going to ask her for money or to take care of your baby. Even in that case, she would simply have a right to say yes or no to either request....not to tell you that you should not be procreating! I was honestly shocked when I read that.
If my mother said something like that to me, we'd be having a direct conversation about boundaries. Doesn't sound like you even plan to ask her to care for your baby so this really is not her business. If she doesn't like it, that's just too bad for her. Boundaries are just as important within a family as anywhere else in life. If your mother's anxiety is causing her to panic and overstep, then she can speak with a doctor about medication or a therapist for coping strategies.

As for your sister's wedding. Sometimes weddings get blown out of proportion. If you are pregnant that day, then you are and it will be fine. If you're not, you're not. Again, just because a family member is getting married does not mean she has a right to be involved in your personal choices with your husband.

You and your husband decided you are ready to start a family! That's wonderful news and exciting! Set yourself up to feel grateful and joyous about this stage in your life. If others aren't on board with your happiness, peacefully draw a line in the sand, step back, and leave them to their own devices.

For now, if your mother is mentioning "no babies" you can simply say: "We never know what the future will bring." If she presses further, simply say: "This is not something I'm going to discuss with you." If she flips out at that, just walk away.

If you are open to therapy at all, it could really help you with strategies for setting and maintaining boundaries with your family. That will be even more important once you have a little one added to the mix. So that you aren't getting unsolicited parenting advice etc

Very best wishes to you and your husband! How wonderful!
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