Nice! Thanks for posting the quotes!

And yup. I'm single, and in my mid-40s now, and for lots of reasons never felt like I *wanted* kids. I think it's only been recently, as I've gotten older and had the chance to see some people (much saner people than my parents) who really enjoy parenting and have great kids and a happy family, that I've started to slightly understand why anyone would want that.

Honestly, I grew up feeling like *I* was a burden, and kids in general were a pain-in-the-butt. On top of that, my brother had a ton of problems and was scary/violent growing up. I remember being in college, feeling like I had finally "escaped", and wondering why on earth I'd want to risk having kids, if that's how bad it can be.

My only weirdness... I've got a friend who used to be my manager. Fantastic guy, great dad to his kids, was a wonderful manager and I really enjoy talking to him. We were talking about this at one point, and I mentioned that I didn't want kids... in part because I felt like there was a lot that I wanted to do for myself, and I didn't think I had it in me to make the sacrifices necessary to put kids first.

He told me that was incredibly selfish.

Well, yeah. I guess by definition it IS. But, at the same time, it seems better to recognize that you're not cut out for the level of sacrifice necessary to be a great parent, and to not have kids at all... rather than to try anyway and be miserable (and possibly end up hurting the kids too, in the process).

*shrug*. It stung in the moment, but I also realize there's so much about my life that he doesn't understand, that his view isn't really reflective of my reality.

Heck, I haven't dated in... like 20 years? Since college... so even if I *wanted* to start a family, it's not like there's anyone around to help. And since I can barely handle taking care of myself some days, I definitely don't feel well-suited to taking care of kids on my own!

Maybe part of the problem is that we can't really openly talk about mental health in our society. And that plays a big role here, at least for me. If I hadn't grown up in a neglectful crazy family with a brother that regularly tried to kill me, if I hadn't had other traumas, if I had come from a loving and supportive family... maybe I'd be better at relationships, dating, and maybe the idea of having kids would just make sense to me.

I realize that's not the case for everyone, but for me, I just don't know. It's like there were so many things kind of stacked against me going down that path... it just never really was an actual option for me, in a way.

But other than that one friend, I don't tend to talk about it with people.

Oh! But I did go through a phase where my mom was *crazy* about wanting grandkids. O...M...G.... it drove me crazy. Not just asking about *me* having them (to which I'd reply, "with who? Who do you think is going to be the baby daddy in this situation mom, given that I'm not dating?!" - to her asking about my sister and her boyfriend, and if I thought they'd have kids.

At one point my grandfather actually brought up how sad my mom was that she didn't have any grandkids.

*Sigh*.