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Old 03-23-2019, 06:15 PM
fern46 fern46 is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: USA
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fern46 fern46 is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2019
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Default Re: Being your own worst enemy

I can relate. I'm newly diagnosed. It is a lot to take and I have to come to terms with it daily and sometimes more than once a day. I considered myself balanced and self aware before all this happened and now I mostly feel lost. I second guess myself constantly and wish often things could just go back to how they were before mania destroyed so much of what I worked so hard to build for myself.

I'm finding that treatment is like any other work that I do. I get out of it what I put into it. When I approach it with little confidence and just allow others to push me where they think I need to go I find I'm disappointed in the results. I have a better outcome when I plan and prepare and speak truthfully and with confidence. I'm heard and the results aren't perfect, but more what I need.

To your original question, it is devastating knowing I did all of this. I sabotaged my own life. How could this even happen? It is still very surreal. Learning more about the science of bipolar helped. I have a genetic disease that interferes with my brain's ability to process emotion. It isn't my fault and I didn't see it coming. Nobody did. But... I know what I am dealing with now and I can either take responsibility for my health or I can let it steamroll me again. I'm a fighter, so I'm learning all I can and picking up all of the tools I can to battle. I know I won't always win, but I can live with myself if I know I gave it my best every day.

Don't hesitate to reach out for help. Support is key to success. Your doctor offered because it is their job. Not reaching out when you need to only hurts you. Blessings for peace. I know what its like to be your own enemy. Hopefully this feeling will pass and we will see ourselves as our best ally in a battle that hopefully gets easier with time.
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