Thanks Cepheid. I did actually wake up, plan to go to church, got dressed, showered, and actually drove out there to go, and then I drove past it and went to my parents house. I used to do this often. I don't know why I did it. It felt good. I didn't really feel like going, or didn't actually want to go. I don't know why. I was imagining people in my meditation circle who I was going to have to see. I felt like this: "Ugh." I felt bored. That's the truth. I do feel a bit of anxiety too, being in a large group of people for church. (edit: I don't always feel that way about them. Especially when faced with them. They are good people. Then I feel guilty about feeling "ugh" about them. It's so weird, I know)

So I drove to my parents house and then I did end up heading over to church because they congregate afterwards, and I told someone specifically that I would give him something (church related) that day, and I wanted to follow through. So I did, and I was only briefly there and left. I literally did not want to be there AND I felt super awkward. I felt like a liar, being there. Because I didn't want to be there.

My mother said I should try to get the mentality of: "I have to go, I have no choice." It's a possibility it could help, but probably not. I know I have a choice. (edit: I could try it)

I had a therapist who said to me that she'd like to see me do more things I ACTUALLY want to do, when the time comes to do it. Most of these things have nothing to do with really socializing. But one thing, is a jewelry making class. I took it in the spring of 2017. I could try it out again and see how it goes.

Ceph, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that socialization may not be enough for me as a motivator. The jewelry making class costs money, but I could do it if I wanted.

Edit: I often feel that because of this issue, something is wrong with me. Maybe it's just that something is different about me. Maybe I should honor that. I know that connection is important for human survival, me included! I get lonely! Someone told me yesterday actually, in terms of learning disabilities, for example, if you have issues reading...find books on tape. It doesn't matter how you get the information. Basically, find another way. Maybe that's what I will have to do too.